Questions to Ask a Therapist, Counselor or Psychologist

So, you found a therapist who you think might be right for you. What questions should you ask to make sure they are the right fit for your needs?  What is appropriate to say or not say during the initial phone consultation? 

When you finally decide to call a therapist, you most likely are feeling a little anxious about this initial phone call. I know when people finally decide they need to see a therapist; they have a lot going on and sometimes don’t know where to start. That is okay. The therapist will help guide you through this process. I personally try to make the intake phone call and first appointment as painless as possible because I know the anxiety that comes with the process of starting counseling. Before the initial phone call, I recommend getting some clarity on what you’re hoping to get out of counseling. For example, you may want to find better ways to communicate with your spouse or a significant relationship, you may want to get clarity on why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling, or maybe you realized something from your past keeps coming up and it’s time to deal with it once and for all. Whatever is going on, try to keep the description brief in the initial phone call without going into too much detail. There are a few reasons I recommend brevity; one is that you are not yet a client, so ethically this is tricky for them and they are usually not taking notes. Two, this really should be a phone call to see if you and the therapist will be a good fit, not a mini counseling session. Here are a few example questions you may want to ask during the initial phone conversation, you don’t have to ask all of them, just pick the ones that are right for you. 

How long can I expect to be in treatment? And how often should I expect to come? 

Treatment times will vary based on the reason for you seeking counseling in the first place. I typically recommend people commit to 6-weeks of weekly sessions. I find that this gives people enough time to start making progress and feel like they are gaining traction on the original issue that brought them in. There are some exceptions to this, such as a history of trauma. It is my opinion that the job of a therapist is to work themselves out of a job with you! Counseling should be a safe place for you to get back a sense of control in your life and bring you healing, not a lifelong commitment. I also recommend people phase out of treatment rather than stopping abruptly. So, after that initial 6-weeks of weekly sessions, I move people to ever other week, then every 3 weeks then once a month. And I have some clients who like to come see me once a month as part of their own self-care, just as they would for getting a massage or a haircut. 

How long are the sessions? 

Most therapists have a set amount of time they spend with each client. The billing codes allow therapists to choose from the following: 30 minutes, 45 minutes and 60 minutes. Many therapists allow several minutes between sessions to take care of billing, writing notes or even returning phone calls. So keep in mind that even though their appointments may be scheduled on the hour, that doesn’t necessarily mean that is your entire appointment time. I schedule 50 to 55 minute appointments so I can have a quick break in between sessions and be prepared for the next client.

Do you want to see one or both of us, or each family member?

Depending on the type of counseling you are seeking, you will want to know who is expected to be at that first appointment. For example, I work a lot with children and adolescents. I like to see the parents and child in that first session and then I work individually with the child in the following sessions. If you are seeking couples counseling, some counselors want to see one couple person for half the time and then the spouse for the other half, at least initially. It varies from counselor to counselor so be sure to ask.

Do you give homework outside of session? 

There are many therapists who do give homework and just as many who don’t. If the sound of homework makes you anxious since you haven’t had it since you were a Junior in High School, then you’ll want to ask! Some therapists find it helpful to have people working on a particular skill in between sessions, and some find that many times people do the work themselves. There really is no right or wrong answer, it is really what you and the therapist find most helpful to your healing.

What is your policy on seeing family members?

This is one of the questions I get asked most often, usually after I have seen a parent for several sessions. I will see people from the same family, if I will be a good fit for both of us. Since I see children and teens, often times, parents find it helpful if I work with their child, since I am already familiar with what is going on in the home. I make it really clear that I don’t share things I learn in each other’s sessions with the other person. So, if mom tells me something about the child in her individual, I don’t question the child about that incident unless the mom share it with me again in front of the child. Each individual session is just that, individual. Occasionally I will get a spouse who wants to start seeing me for individual and then switch to couples counseling when they’re ready. I don’t do couples counseling, so I always make it clear in the first phone call that I will refer them on to another therapist when they’re ready. 

I hope this helps you find the right therapist in Greenwood, IN. If you are still feeling uneasy about this process, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for you. If you are looking for help with depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

FAQs for Starting Therapy

I am so happy that many people have decided to get mental health counseling but I also know that so many therapists are booked right now. It’s been a tough spot for many of me and the counselors I know right now. We’re trying to find the right balance for our own time and energy while trying to meet the demands of the many people who need help right now. I decided to put together some tips for trying to find the right counselor for you. 

Many times, when people decide to start therapy, they realize that things have been slowly declining over many months or even years. Typically, if people could have handled their problems on their own, they would be fixed by now. I believe counseling is a good place to start when trying to get things back in balance and to find more peace in your life. I believe you have the tools to heal, you just need someone objective to come alongside you in your healing. It’s hard to know what to expect from counseling. So below is a list of some of the most common questions I get about counseling. 

Why start therapy now?

Oftentimes, when I finally talk to someone who is ready to start counseling, they have been thinking about it for several months or years. The thought of finding a complete stranger to tell all your problems to seems daunting to say the least! There are many reasons it takes people awhile to get up the courage to finally get outside help. But we don’t think twice about getting opinions from doctors or financial advisors when we have questions about our health or money, so why should your emotional health be any different? Counseling might be able to help you:

• Attain more clarity on your life goals, ambitions or values

• Develop a deeper understanding for how you view and process your world

• Find resolution to past hurts or traumas

• Improve your relationship with others by communicating your wants and needs more clearly

• Learn new coping skills to help manage your symptoms of anxiety, depression, grief or other emotional stressors

• Change ineffective behavior patterns and develop more effective ones

• Discover new and healthier ways to have good communication with your spouse, family or friends

• Improve your self-esteem and self-confidence using your new found skills

What to do first:

Although I love helping people find the right counselor, it is also really difficult for me to know what you’re looking for because I think you’re the expert on your life (or your child’s life) so here are a few tips to get you started:

1. Decide if you want to use your insurance, if so, start with the list your insurance provides.

2. Do your research please! Again, I love helping people, but it is really overwhelming when people send me a list from their insurance and say, “Can you tell me who to see.” Well, I can, but I don’t know what’s going on, and I definitely don’t know all of the counselors on the list.” While I do have a good network of therapists that I know either first hand or through my client’s experiences, I don’t know if they will be a good fit for you. So, take an hour to look up their bios, and narrow it down to 2-3 that feel like a good fit for you. 

3. Be prepared to either get put on wait list right now, or be scheduled a few months out before your first appointment.

4. Be prepared for most therapists to not take your insurance. There are many reasons why private practice therapists don’t like to take insurance but suffice it to say, you can file the cost of therapy to your insurance as an out of network claim and usually people get reimbursed about 80% of the cost of therapy services. Most of the time you can use your HAS or FSA cards. 

5. Be prepared to be flexible in the time you come to therapy. Everyone wants after school and evening appointments. But it can be difficult to find a therapist who has evening sessions. 

6. If you can be flexible with online sessions, that can provide more flexibility with scheduling. Be sure to call your insurance company because some insurance plans don’t cover teletherapy.

How long is each session?

Each therapy session is 50-minutes. I find this is the right amount of time to reflect on things that have changed over the last week and address treatment goals. It is my job to notify you when our session time is nearing the end and I appreciate your understanding in adhering to the 50-minute time limit. This allows me to ensure that I am on time for the next appointment. The electronic medical record system I use only allows me to choose from the following billing times: 30-minute (90832), 45-minute (90834) or 60 minute (90837). If your appointment time was longer than 50 minutes, I will switch it to the 60 minute time to more accurately reflect the amount of time spent in therapy. 

Do you accept my insurance company? 

I am an out of network provider (OON) for all insurance plans except Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield. This has been a difficult decision, as I know how expensive monthly insurance premiums are, and I do understand you want to be able to use them for counseling. Since I believe therapy is a short-term commitment with long-term benefits, it is a financial investment in yourself and your future.  I am unable to take Medicare or Medicaid since they require therapists to be in-network providers. 

I’ve decided to use my insurance, how do I submit the claims?

I do my best to try and submit electronic claims to the insurance company on your behalf. There is a different billing rate for submitting insurance claims, since the insurance companies require I submit my full fee. When this is the case, I try to submit the first claim, if it goes through, I will submit the rest electronically. If the claims are rejected, I can either switch you over to the self-pay rate or I can give you a monthly Superbill via email that you can fax or mail to your insurance company for reimbursement. I do not accept assignment of benefits (meaning the insurance company sends me a check) for tax reasons. When insurance companies do issue a check to me on your behalf, I void the check and return it to the insurance company with instructions on reissuing the check to the primary insured. 

What can I expect at my first session?

You will be sent the intake paperwork after the initial phone call and once an appointment day and time has been set. Please complete the paperwork a day in advance as this allows me time to review your paperwork and the concerns that are bringing you to treatment. During the first session, I will get a more complete picture of things that have and haven’t worked for you in the past, as well as your goals for counseling. This session lays the groundwork for future sessions and I want you to feel confident by the end of this session that I have a clear understanding of what you need from counseling in order to find healing and peace. 

What is the process for counseling? 

Treatment times will vary based on the reason you are seeking counseling in the first place. I typically recommend people commit to 6-weeks of weekly sessions. I find that this gives people enough time to start making progress and feel like they are gaining traction on the original issue that brought them in. There are some exceptions to this, such as a history of trauma. It is my opinion that the job of a therapist is to work themselves out of a job with you! Counseling should be a safe place for you to get back a sense of control in your life and bring you healing, not a lifelong commitment. I also recommend people phase out of treatment rather than stopping abruptly. So, after that initial 6-weeks of weekly sessions, I move people to ever other week, then every 3 weeks then once a month. And I have some clients who like to come see me once a month as part of their own self-care, just as they would for a massage or haircut. 

Will other people know?

Confidentiality is my number one commitment to you. People will not know you are in counseling with me unless you tell them. Occasionally you may see people you know in the waiting room. Don’t feel obligated to explain why you are being treated. Be confident about your decision to heal and get outside help!

Will you prescribe medication?

I am unable to prescribe medication. In the state of Indiana, only licensed medical professionals can prescribe and manage prescription medications. Usually this is your family doctor, a psychiatrist or a nurse practitioner. 

I hope this helps you find the answer to questions you may have about counseling in Greenwood, IN. If you are still feeling uneasy about this process, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling. If you are looking for help with depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling.

How to Help a Loved One in Crisis

My baby was only about three weeks old when his older brother got sick. Call it motherly instinct, but I knew almost immediately that we would likely end up in the hospital with the little one after he caught whatever his brother had. Sure enough, about 5 days later, we were in the hospital with the baby because he was having trouble breathing. Those first few hours in the hospital with our newborn were some of the scariest that I can remember as a parent. I hated seeing him suffering, I didn’t know if he was going to be okay and there wasn’t a lot, I could do to help him. We had a friend that worked at the hospital, and I remember her stopping by several times a day offering me reassurance and advice on what to expect with his treatment and stay in the hospital. To this day, I was so thankful Theresa was there to help us through the crisis.

Lately, I’ve had many people reach out to me because either they or a loved one is in crisis. These phone calls are happening much more often than they used to, and I think it’s a direct result of the Pandemic. Regardless of the reason, many people do not know what to do when they are in a crisis or they’re trying to care for a loved one who is in a crisis. I decided to dedicate this week’s blog to help you be prepared just in case this happens to you. Please note, this is not a comprehensive list, nor is intended to take the place of the advice of a therapist. Please use it as a guide to get the right fit for your needs.

What to do when someone you love…

Is Suicidal 

If someone is suicidal, take them to the ER. If they refuse to go, call 911. The number one priority is to keep you or your loved one safe. I have found that many people do not know this is an option. If they deny they are suicidal and you are still concerned about their safety, you can still go to the ER, they will assess and decide to keep you or your loved one safe. In the Indianapolis area, we have a few hospitals, like Valle Visa (https://vallevistahospital.com/) who will do a free assessment and give recommendation on the best course of treatment. Also in Indiana, they resource available here. The national suicide hotline is available here. You can also do an Internet search by state or concern and there should be several options available. I’ve heard many people say that they are not sure how to determine if their loved one talking about suicide is attention seeking, or dramatic. My response is, to always error on the side of SAFETY. Take them to get an assessment or to the ER and allow the professionals to make the determination. 

Needs outpatient treatment

Sometimes when people are going through a crisis, they need a higher level of care. When this is the case, most local hospitals will offer outpatient treatment. Usually these treatment programs are called, IOP or Intensive Outpatient treatment. This means that it’s a more intensive treatment protocol than the outpatient treatment that you would get with a regular therapist in their office. Typically outpatient treatment is 14 days, the groups meet for 2-3 hours at a time, 5 days a week, normally not on weekends. This is a more intensive treatment option than seeing a therapist weekly. 

Needs inpatient treatment

When someone continues to struggle and just do not seem to be doing better, inpatient treatment may be recommended. While inpatient treatment times vary, most people are hospitalized for 5-14 days, depending on the severity of their symptoms. Most inpatient treatments will include medication management and group therapy several times throughout the day. 

Needs a therapist

Finding a therapist with availability right now is difficult, which is an understatement. Many of us are booked several weeks to months out and it’s even more difficult to find someone who takes your insurance. With that in mind, it’s important to consider a few things:

1. It might be worth waiting for the right therapist. While I think it’s important to find a therapist with good training and some experience, research shows that the rapport (harmonious and sympathetic connection) between the therapist and client is the best predictor of the you, the client feeling better. 

2. Do some research ahead of time to find a good counselor for your needs. While I love to help people, I’m not the right therapist for everyone who needs a counselor. I have specialties and training in specific areas, and those are not a good fit for everyone who needs a counselor. It will feel better for you, right from the beginning if you take a few minutes to read a few counselors’ bios on their websites and have a few in mind that you think might be a good fit. 

3. Using insurance is ideal but…many therapists in private practice don’t take insurance. There are several reasons that many therapists in private practice choose not to take insurance and the main reason is that it is very time consuming. Many therapists handle all their own intakes, scheduling and billing. When this is the case, many of them simply don’t have the time to follow up on insurance benefits and payouts. Most therapists do take HSAs and FSAs and it is very easy to get reimbursed by your insurance company. While I don’t want to get into the specifics of how this works, suffice it to say that many people get reimbursed about 80% of the cost of therapy when they go to a therapist who is out of network. For many people, that works about to about a $20-$30 out of pocket cost per session. 

4. Speaking of insurance, it’s a good idea to call your insurance company before starting counseling, so that you have an idea of what you will pay out of pocket and get a general idea of what your insurance plan covers regarding therapy. Oftentimes, clients can get through to their insurance companies and get answers quicker than when the therapist calls to check on benefits. 

I hope this helps you get a better idea of what to expect if you or your loved one needs some type of mental health treatment. I’ve had to tell a lot of people lately that I’m not taking new clients and it’s been so difficult to turn people away. My hope is that everyone will get the help that they need while also staying safe! 

I hope this explanation of how to help a loved one better. If you need more help understanding the HSP trait, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling. If you are looking for help with depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

Back to School = Change + Transitions

This time of year, at least in Indiana, marks the end of summer and a new school year for many people. The beginning of the school year is usually an exciting transition for many but for highly sensitive persons, it can be exciting AND difficult! Because of this, I like to write about transitions this time of year because going back to school is such a huge transition for so many people.

To add to this, it’s beginning to look like masks will again be a requirement for the school year. Even though I know everyone was hopeful that it would be a more normal school year, with no masks, the Delta variant is going to make that difficult. 

Helping children adjust well to transitions helps increase their emotion regulation skills, helps them stay calm and reduces their overall stress. Here are a few tips that help with transitions this time of year, especially for highly sensitive children:

Create a good routine

Most children do better when there are clear expectations and predictability to their days and weeks. The more you can create the same expectations for a before and after school routine, the easier it will be to make the transition of going back to school. As children get older, it’s a good idea to let them have more say in their routine. For example, I used to make my younger son get up 30 minutes or so before the bus, and it was usually a battle. One day, and by accident, we learned that he only needed about 7 minutes to get ready and out the door. Once we learned this, he got himself up and ready and out the door. And he never missed the school bus once. Other areas that you might want to allow your child to help with the routine is whether they need a break before or during homework, how they want their evening routine to go, or the order in which they want to do their morning routine. 

Practice Flexibility

When establishing good routines, it’s also important to help your child understand that being flexibility is part of life too. Last minute change is a normal part of life and being able to adapt to these changes will make life easier. The Pandemic continues to be a good example of how being flexible to change helps with transitions. 

Visual reminders

Most children do well when they have visual reminders for things. Some children need a visual schedule for their morning or evening routines, chores around the house or what time they are supposed to go to wake up or go to sleep. I also liked using a timer to see if we could “beat the clock” when we did certain activities and made a game out of certain tasks. 

Allow extra time

If your child is the opposite of my child and needs more than 7 minutes to get ready in the morning, it might be a good idea to allow for extra time. Younger children especially might need extra time between transitions. When my children were younger, I always aimed for leaving 30 minutes before the time I wanted to be some place. This usually gave me enough cushion in case the kids were being difficult or pokey in getting ready. Giving us this extra time also allowed me to stay calm even when they weren’t cooperating which meant a lot less yelling and tears. 

Give Plenty of Warning

When you know there is going to be a change in the schedule, an extra stop at the grocery store or a babysitter is coming over, give as much warning as you can. This will help HSPs prepare mentally and help them with the transition. There are a few exceptions to this, especially if your loved one is prone to worry, it might be best to give them adequate warning. Remind them they can handle it and try to be compassionate with their frustrations over having to change plans. 

Listen 

Even if you don’t think they should be struggling with a particular transition, it’s important to hear them and affirm their experiences. Saying things like, “I know this is hard but we’re going to figure this out.” Or, “I haven’t really experienced that myself, but I understand why this change might frustrate you.” 

I hope this explanation of transitions helps you understand your HSP self or loved one better. If you need more help understanding the HSP trait, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling. If you are looking for help with depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

People-pleasing and Anxiety

We recently returned from vacation, and I noticed that I had a very different reaction than I used to when I would be out of the office for a week. When I used to leave for vacation, I had a lot of anxiety that something would get missed, that one of my clients would need something or I would drop the ball on something before I left, and I would have to deal with it while I was gone. And, back then, I needed to not think about work while I was on vacation because I needed the entire time to rest and recharge! 

Over the last several years, I’ve noticed a change. I used to need about 3 days to finally settle in and relax on vacation and now I feel myself settling down within the first few hours of my time away. As I was reflecting on why I was able to make a change in this area, I realized it was likely due to a few reasons: I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP) which means transitions, even good ones are hard sometimes. I’m a 2 on the Enneagram which means I’m predisposed to people-pleasing. And probably related to both is that I care deeply for the work that I do and want to make sure people are well taken care of, even while I’m out of the office. Over time, I’ve been able to put some things in place, like an assistant, who I know takes good care of my clients while I’m out of the office. Plus, I’ve done a better job of communicating to my clients when I’ll be out of town and who they can reach out to if needed. These changes have allowed to me to rest and recharge quicker when I’m out of the office. Which then helps me be able to return to the office and continue to do the work that I love. 

I’ve spent a lot of time helping people create healthy boundaries and let go of their people pleasing behaviors. Because every time someone is struggling with people pleasing behaviors, they have a high level of anxiety. And I get where people are coming from-it comes from a place of wanting to be a good person who adds value to other people’s lives. When people pleasing goes too far, anxiety sets in, and self-worth takes a big hit. Here are some reasons I think people pleasing is so dangerous: 

Assumptions

When we try to please others, we’re assuming that we know what they want or need. I remember a client telling me one time that she asked her parents to help her move, and they ended up not being helpful at all because they continued to do things that they thought needed to be done, rather than asking her what she needed or wanted done. They assumed they were being helpful because they were doing things like cleaning cabinets and sweeping floors. But, those weren’t the most pressing things to do at the moment, since the moving truck was in the drive way. She felt stuck because she didn’t want to tell them how they could do more helpful, and the whole day was frustrating because they weren’t helping in the areas she needed helped. They on the other hand thought they were being helpful because they were busy doing things that they thought needed done. Assumptions are dangerous because they give us a false sense of security-that we’re actually doing or saying things that the other person needs, without really checking with them to see if what is they want or need.

Expressing Feelings

Another reason I think people pleasing is dangerous in relationships is that it causes you to feel like you can’t express your wants or needs without them being invalidated, thus losing your voice in that relationship. When we can’t express what we’re feeling, or when we do express what we’re feeling and it’s minimized or dismissed by the other person, over time, we stop expressing our wants and needs for the fear of the reaction by the other person. This cycle causes many people to lose their voice in a relationship and then continue to do what they think the other person wants them to do. Soon, they find out that this strategy doesn’t work very well either, because we can’t read other people’s minds. So, the cycle continues, and anxiety gets worse, and we feel stuck.

While these people pleasing behaviors, can cause people to feel stuck, I always think there is hope for healing in ourselves and our relationships. Here are a few things that can help fix the people pleasing cycle, and hopefully help you find more peace in your own life and your relationships:

Core Values

I do a lot of work with people and helping them discover their core values. Core values are essential to how we view and make decisions about our world. When we interact with other who have similar core values, these interactions are usually easy and come naturally. When we interact with people who do not share the same core values, the interactions are usually clumsier and more difficult. I think it’s important that everyone spends some time figuring out your core values. This will help give you a better idea of why you’re engaging in people-pleasing behaviors. For example, if one of your core values is community and contribution, you are more likely to sacrifice your own needs to make sure someone else has what they need. While this can be done in a healthy way, it can also go too far, and create relationships where you’re the one doing everything for everyone in the household and don’t have any time or energy to get things done for yourself. Do a quick internet search for core values and you should have many examples and worksheets to choose from. I usually have people pick their top 5-10, any more than that and I think it gets too overwhelming to be very useful. 

Do your work

I believe people are doing the best that they can, but they can always do better. And by the always do better, I mean they can look for ways that they need to change and grow to be a better person. But I have found that some people cannot do their own personal work because it is so deeply buried by shame, they can’t face it. When you can spend some time being introspective about the things that you do and why, you can start to uncover areas of your life that need fixed. Sometimes these things are obvious and sometimes they’re not so obvious. I work with people all along this spectrum-some people know exactly what they need counseling for, others know that things just aren’t working in their lives and need help figuring it out. That’s why I think it’s so important for everyone to spend time with themselves, taking a close look on what’s working and what isn’t working in their lives and relationships. This can be scary, which is why it’s nice to have a trusted friend or counselor to talk through the things as they come up. 

Permission

If you’ve read anything I’ve published ever, you know I’m all about giving yourself permission. We’re humans, not robots so we’re going to make mistakes. And making mistakes is how we learn. In regard to people pleasing behavior, you have permission to be misunderstood by others and you have permission to disappoint others. When I’ve had to create boundaries with people at different times in my life, I know they’ve been disappointed in my decisions, I also know that they may not totally understand why I’ve made a boundary. And that’s okay with me. I can allow people to misunderstand me and be disappointed in me because in the end, I know that I don’t have to be “good enough” for them to be good enough. This is definitely an uncomfortable feeling at first. But the more you practice it the better it works.

I hope this helps you figure out a place to start to deal with your people please behaviors, and it will ultimately lead to you have less anxiety. If you still need help with managing your anxiety, join us for the Anxiety Management Group for Adults August 9-October 11 (No Group on Labor Day, September 6). We will be covering topics to help you be the boss of your anxiety! Check out our website and social media for more information. 

I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

Anxiety: What to do When You Get Stuck

recently read a story about a college professor who brought in a glass of water and held it over her head. She then proceeded to ask the class about to guess how heavy the glass of water was. After several guesses, the professor said, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is how long I hold it. If I hold it for a short period of time, it won’t seem heavy at all. But the longer I hold it, the heavier it will become. And at some point, it will become almost impossible to hold it because my arms will give out and my hands won’t be able to grasp the glass. 

When I read this story, I realized how often many people get stuck holding their own “glass of water” when they’re dealing with anxiety. The longer they hold onto anxiety, the more unbearable it gets to the point that it becomes almost impossible to hold. One of the most difficult parts of anxiety is that sometimes people don’t have a good reason for feeling anxious and then they begin to put themselves down for feeling anxious. And the spiral continues. And soon they’re stuck. Stuck holding the glass of water (anxiety) for days and weeks and months to the point that it feels impossible to hold. 

What many people don’t realize about anxiety is that it is a symptom of what your mind or body are trying to tell you. For example, we know that adrenals or thyroids not functioning properly can cause some people to have heart palpitations. Your body is giving you a physical sensation to alert you that something is off and needs your attention.  While the physical sensations of anxiety are uncomfortable, I think it’s important to pay attention to what they are trying to tell you. Here are 3 tips to help you figure out your anxiety, and hopefully be able to put it down, at least temporarily: 

1. Notice your body sensations

While the bodily sensation that come with anxiety, heart palpitations, racing thoughts, shortness of breath, are very uncomfortable. They do provide us with good information. There have been times that my physical sensations get so uncomfortable that I stop what I’m doing and pay attention to what’s happening in my body. When I pause long enough to notice, it usually means that I need to pause, take a break or quick rest. 

Try this: When you have uncomfortable bodily sensations, try taking inventory of them. I usually like to start at the top of my head, going all the way down to my toes, and notice any unpleasant or uncomfortable body sensations. As I do, I say things like, “My shoulders are really tense, I must be holding some tension there.” Or “My shoulders are up by my ears; I wonder if I can relax them some.” Then I focus on breathing slowly in through my nose and out my mouth, then exhale trying to relax that specific area. I try to do this 3-5 times and I usually feel better and more relaxed in just a few minutes. This works even better when you can do it when you are calm! I call this brain training…when we practice something when we’re not anxious or agitated, we train our brains to calm down quicker in a crisis. It’s like what a workout does for our physical body. 

1. Notice your thoughts

Sometimes when we pause and notice our body sensations, we get overwhelmed and go to the worst-case scenario. This is one of the reasons that many people do not like to pause if their anxiety is heightened. The quiet causes their brains to spiral and think of all the terrible things that might be happening in your body. It’s important to just notice your thoughts, not attach any meaning to them yet, but instead just notice them.

Try this: When you are anxious, try to slow your heart rate by slowing your breathing. Then as the thoughts come up label them by saying, “Oh, that’s a scary thought,” or “I hadn’t thought of that one yet.” This is going to be hard at first. But the more you practice the better you get at it. Because most of the time, the thoughts that we have when we’re anxious make absolutely no sense. And then when we’re calm, we realize how inaccurate those thoughts were in the moment. 

1. Notice your behaviors

Many people I work with want to be alone when they’re having anxiety or panic. And depending on who you’re with this may not be a bad idea. But one of the things we know about the brain is that the person with a calmer nervous system can calm the person with the more reactive nervous system. Think of a toddler having a melt-down and their mother can come in, give them a hug and a kiss, and they quickly calm down. The mother has a calmer nervous system and can calm the toddler’s more reactive nervous system. Knowing this, it might be better for you to stay present with your safe person.

Try this: When you’re experiencing heighten anxiety, try to sync your breathing with your safe person. Even though they aren’t doing anything, they have a calmer nervous system, and can therefore calm your nervous system as well. 

Hopefully, I’ve given you a place to start in how to put your anxiety down and give your body some rest. If you still need help with managing your anxiety, join us for the Anxiety Management Group for Adults August 9-October 11 (No Group on Labor Day, September 6). We will be covering topics to help you be the boss of your anxiety! Check out our website and social media for more information. 

I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

Anxiety: Why Change is So Hard

Change is one of the most common reasons people come to therapy. Many people are experiencing the challenges and changes that come with life. Most change happens slowly overtime, and people tend to be able to adjust to these easily because these changes are hardly noticeable. But anytime people experience a big change (e.g., moving, a baby, divorce, death, etc.), even positive ones (e.g., a baby, a marriage, job promotion, etc.), our brains detect this as a threat. 

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. When I was in high school, my neighbor was driving us to school when she had the left turn arrow, and a car coming from the opposite side of the street ran the red light. For a while after the accident my brain, would “sound the alarm” that it wasn’t safe to be a passenger in a car. My brain did this because it has one job: to keep me alive.  Every time I was a passenger in a car for the next several days after the accident, my brain’s alarm system would go off and try to tell me it wasn’t safe to be in the car. If I had listened to this alarm system, and not been a passenger in the car, even for a short time, I would have had a difficult time getting over this fear. It also could have led to me having to drive everywhere and never let anyone else drive, or it might have led me to stay home all the time. And while these solutions may have worked in the short term, in the long run, it would have been problematic. 

The part of the brain that is responsible for this has one job and it takes all our experiences and files them away so that it can make predictions about the future. Because when it makes the right predictions, it can literally save our lives. When it makes the wrong predictions, it can keep us stuck. This is why change is so hard. The part of the brain that makes a prediction that big changes are a threat to our very lives, will try to get us to do everything we can to avoid that change. 

Why is this helpful in learning how to handle change better? It’s helpful because when we realize that our brains are just trying to keep us safe because it registers change as a threat, then we can give it new information. 

Researchers have discovered that people’s ability to adapt to change, largely depends on what they tell themselves about the change. For example, if you’re moving to a new city, and you tell yourself, “This is going to be the worst place ever.” Then your brain will automatically look and FIND all the things that prove that city IS the worst place ever. Your brain will see the trash everywhere, notice how unfriendly everyone is, and find all of the things that make that city the worst. If, however you tell your brain, “This is an exciting opportunity to check out new restaurants, see what the city has to offer, and make new friends.” Your brain will start to notice all the trashcans around the city (people just aren’t using them), where to find friendly people and all the exciting opportunities the new city has to offer. 

As I said in last week’s blog, this Pandemic has caused many people to have a lot of anxiety, even when they’re not experiencing so-called “big changes.” One of the reasons I think many people are dealing with intense anxiety, is that the Pandemic literally changed our world for several reasons. Some of the less obvious reasons it has changed things is because of the trickle-down effect. I’ve noticed higher prices on groceries, gas, lumber, new and used cars, just to name a few. While I don’t know the reasons for all of these things being more expensive, I know it’s because, if you look at the supply chain, somewhere down the line, something wasn’t able to be manufactured during self-quarantine. It’s been an adjustment trying to plan for things and it not necessarily be available, or it if is, we must pay much more than we would have a year and a half ago. I realize this is just a small example of how the Pandemic is affecting our everyday lives, it is certainly a contributing factor to why so many people are anxious right now. 

Here are a few tips that I hope will help calm your mind and anxiety as we continue to experience the “trickle-down effect” of the Pandemic. 

1. Give yourself permission to grieve

If you read or follow anything I put out into the world, you know I’m a big fan of giving yourself permission to what you need to do. In this case, I think there are a lot of areas of our lives the Pandemic has touched, in big and small ways. So, it’s okay for you to mourn how the Pandemic has impacted you in big ways and small ways. I’m frustrated that a big trip I was planning on going on this month got canceled (again) because of the Pandemic. And I’m also frustrated that sometimes it’s harder for me to find the things I want at the grocery store for the meals I plan on making that week. I’ve realized the more I give myself permission to feel what I need to feel, the easier it is for me to move on. The more I chastise or am hard on myself for feeling the way I feel, the longer I stay stuck in that feeling. 

1. Give yourself permission to rest

While I don’t always need to sleep to rest, I do find that when I’m feeling anxious or stressed, it’s helpful to sit for a few minutes, and close my eyes and take some deep breaths. I also love to include a body scan sometimes during this rest and reset. Other times, I need to go to bed early and just have it quiet. But either way, when I push through and don’t give myself the rest that I need, I usually pay for it in the long run, either by being exhausted for several days in a row, or by being short and irritated with my loved ones. Pay attention to what your body is telling you and listen to it. 

1. Give yourself permission to ask for help

I think as humans, we are made to have a community surrounding us. Researchers show that people who are well connected with others live longer. I think it’s important to let others around you know that you need a little extra support. If you’re having a hard time, it’s okay for you to let your friends know that you need them. If you don’t feel like you have good friends to reach out to when you’re struggling, now is the time to be intentional about finding them and making them. 

1. Give yourself permission to change your attitude

This really goes to the point I made at the beginning of this post, that researchers have shown that we work through things better when we have a better attitude. While this is very difficult to do in real life, it is one of the most important things you can do to quiet your anxiety. One of my favorite phrases, for people of all ages is for them to tell themselves, “I can handle this,” or “I can do hard things.” While it’s easier to say and believe that you can’t handle things or do hard things, that isn’t reality. In reality, your brain is trying to protect you from a perceived threat and you are able to handle and do much more than your brain is trying to convince you that it can’t. 

I’m starting an Anxiety Management Group for Adults August 9-October 11 (No Group on Labor Day, September 6). We will be covering topics to help you be the boss of your anxiety! Check out our website and social media for more information. 

I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

Anxiety: When to Seek Help

Hearing the word “normal” these days feels very overused. While I understand people are saying there are a lot of things that feel like they did in a Pre-Pandemic world, I personally feel like our world has changed, and a lot over the last 15 months. Every therapist I know is booking several weeks to months out, I’m getting multiple calls each week for people looking for therapy services and help. Many people are struggling with the impact of the Pandemic whether it be the loss of a loved one, job loss, financial stress, or relationship stress or loss. The only thing that I see is going back to normal, is that we can be around strangers for the first time in over a year. But most people do not and will not have the life they had, Pre-Pandemic.

Many professionals-doctors, nurses and other therapists have confirmed what I’m seeing in my own practice: anxiety is on the rise. While I don’t have the exact numbers of how many more people are suffering from anxiety, many people are struggling in our post-Pandemic world. Research on previous natural disasters showed that about 10% of people developed severe psychological problems such as mood disorders, anxiety disorders or posttraumatic stress disorders(PTSD), after a disaster (Galatzer-Levy, Huang & Bonanno, 2018). I think it’s safe to say that you or someone you know will suffer from anxiety on some level in our post-Pandemic world. According to the Anxiety Disorders Association of America, one in every 3 US Citizens will suffer from an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives (2016). 

Anxiety is so tricky because for many people who struggle with it, often feel like they are a little bit anxious about a lot of things, then there are these “spikes” of anxiety that turn into full blown panic. Often people describe these panic attacks or severe anxiety as, “coming out of nowhere.” Which usually makes anxiety worse because they feel like they have “no reason to feel anxious,” so they start feeling anxious about being anxious.  

When any kind of mental health issue is happening, I think it’s important to start with tracking symptoms. This does not have to be more in depth than making a note on your phone each day, but it should be enough information that you can see how long your symptoms are lasting, how often it’s happening and the intensity of the symptoms. Tracking your symptoms for 1-7 days may help you gain some perspective on what’s happening. It might surprise you to learn your symptoms are much more intense than you’ve realized, or maybe not happening as often as you thought. Either way, the information will be helpful to you and your therapist if you decide to go that route. 

One of the things that makes anxiety even trickier is that it can be difficult to know when to seek help. While there is not an exact way to pinpoint when someone should get help, I think it’s safe to say that getting help sooner rather than later will be beneficial for you or someone you love. There are several reasons for this recommendation. 

1. Deep pathway vs. shallow pathway

I’ve said this many times, the brain is like water, it goes the path of least resistance. Say for example, something bad happened in childhood, and you replay the memory of this event, even occasionally, the pathway for that memory is going to be deeper because it has had years to “erode” that pathway in your brain. Say for example, something bad happened yesterday. While you have a pathway for that memory as well, it has only had a few hours to “erode” that pathway in your brain. In the end, you have a pathway for both, one has had longer amount of time to create a “deeper” pathway in your brain and one had just a few hours to create a “shallower” pathway. The longer you let your anxiety go, the longer it has to erode deep pathways in your brain, thus the harder it becomes to create a new, healthier pathway in your brain. 

1. Giving in to anxiety makes it worse

They symptoms of anxiety, rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, overthinking, energized but also fried, difficulty focusing, wanting to avoid certain situations and many more, are all signs of anxiety. When people try to make their anxiety feel better, they will usually “give in” to what is anxiety is telling it to do. For example, if someone is nervous about going into public, their anxiety might tell them to not go because it’s too scary, and if they decide not to go, they have just given anxiety exactly what it wanted. Thus, reinforcing the idea that, “that place is scary” and “I kept you safe.” It’s better if you go to the public, scary place, because it teaches your brain that it was wrong, and everything is fine. Many times, people need help in figuring out exactly when to give in to anxiety and when to face it head on.

1. Everyday worry vs. excessive worry

While it’s tricky to discern what is an everyday worry versus excessive worry, it’s important to figure out the difference because it is helpful in determining the level of intervention needed. Most people have worries everyday about making sure they’re not missing important meetings or appointments, how they’re going to handle themselves at a social event and whether they are equipped to manage a big decision. This worry usually tends to go away on its own, either right at the beginning or at some point during the event. Excessive worry is persistent and typically does not go away on its own. It’s more of a constant fear, that interrupts daily living, and causes people to feel very uncomfortable or embarrassed. Some of the fear could be irrational and unexplained when there is not actual threat. If you or someone you love is experiencing this type of fear, then it’s time to seek help for sure! 

I hope this helps you figure out next steps for seeing help with a professional, or if you would be okay to work through anxiety on your own with a workbook or other book that could be helpful. I therapy is a gift you give yourself or some you love!

I’m starting a Anxiety Management Group for Adults August 9-October 11 (No Group on Labor Day, September 6). We will be covering topics to help you be the boss of your anxiety! Check out our website and social media for more information. 

I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

References:

Galatzer-Levy I., Huang S.H., Bonanno G.A. Trajectories of resilience and dysfunction following potential trauma: A review and statistical evaluation. Clinical Psychology Review. 2018;63:41–55. [PubMed] [Google Scholar]

Quick and Easy Fixes: Healthy Communication Part II

Conflict in the home or workplace is part of our lives, whether we like it or not. I don’t think it’s realistic to assume that you will never have conflict with anyone that you have a relationship with. In fact, research shows that in any kind of conflict is not how often or how intense the conflict is but it’s more important in how the conflict is handled (Markman, et. al. 1993).  Research also shows that when conflict is handled well, it can lead to more satisfying and rewarding relationships (Canary & Messman, 2000). Additionally, conflict is a chance to learn about the minds of others, and how to consider their thoughts and feelings.* In other words, conflict does not have to be scary. Yet many of us avoid it at all costs! 

If you find yourself in conflict with others often or very often, I think it’s best to start looking at how you’re contributing to the conflict. When conflict happens, it’s very easy for us to blame the other person without really examining if we are doing or saying something that contributes to these disagreements. If this is the case, here are just a few of the reasons this might be happening: 

1. Competing-you might be in a relationship with someone who has competing goals or different core values to yours

2. Avoiding-you might be outright avoiding having hard conversations with someone and hoping it gets better

3. Accommodating-you might be over accommodating what the other person needs without considering what you want/need to avoid conflict (Communication in the Real World, 2016).

If this is the case, it’s important that you examine the nature of the relationship and then decide on how you can handle the conflict in order to move through it and forward in a healthy way. Personally, I think it’s better to confront the conflict sooner rather than later so that resentment doesn’t have a chance to build. 

I also work with many people who report they try their best to not contribute to the conflict in a relationship. Often, I’m helping people find their person blind spots and help them work through those in therapy so they can interact in a healthier more peaceful way with others. But sometimes, even when they’ve had a chance to change and do better, they find their significant others, or the difficult co-worker still triggers them. Research shows these are the most common conflict triggers in relationships:

1. Criticism-when you perceive someone is evaluating your personality, behavior, appearance, or life choices

2. Demand-you perceive someone is asking something of you that seems unfair or irrelevant 

3. Cumulative annoyance-building annoyance, frustration or anger over time that eventually leads to a conflict

4. Rejection-you perceive someone’s words or actions are dismissive, ignoring or invalidating (Communication in the Real World, 2016)

In either of these cases, when you can identify how you’re contributing or responding, and your own patterns of behavior, and make some changes. I encourage people to communicate their wants and needs in a healthy way. When people are unable to do so, this might be an indicator that something deeper is happening in the relationship. Either you’re not being emotionally healthy and communicating in an assertive way, or the other person needs to make some changes and become more emotionally safe. Either way, it’s important to get to the root of the issue. I encourage people to be aware of when they are trying to communicate with others in an assertive, healthy way. Here are a few do’s and don’ts that might help:

DO: 

• Be vulnerable

Vulnerability is key to any healthy relationship. When we don’t trust the other person, it is difficult to be vulnerable with the other person. The level of vulnerability with the other person obviously depends on the nature of the relationship. For example, you would be more vulnerable with a family member than you would a co-worker, but nonetheless, both relationships will have some level of vulnerability. If this is missing, this may be a key in unlocking what is happening in the relationship that is making it difficult to communicate your wants and needs. 

• Use reflective listening

This is probably one of the hardest but best skills you can add to your healthy communication toolbox. And to be honest, I do a good job of this with my therapy clients but not such a great job of it at home with my family! One of the biggest frustrations in any relationship is when you don’t feel heard by the other person. Reflective listening can be key to de-escalating tense situations and making the other person feel validated. This does not mean that you’re agreeing with the other person, it simply means, you’re summarizing what you just heard them say. This is such an awkward skill to use at first, as it doesn’t feel natural, but I usually say something like, “I heard you say that you think I don’t think you have good ideas, and that makes you think I don’t value you, is that right?” or, “It sounds like you’re feeling like I’m not listening to you, is that how you’re feeling?” Once you get the hang of it, this can be such a good tool in repairing disagreements.

DON’T

• Overthink

Many of my HSP clients overthink every interaction that have with others which is exhausting to say the least. Overthinking, especially in a specific relationship, is a good indicator that there are insecurities for some reason in the relationship. This might be an indicator that you personally have some self-worth issues to work through, that you don’t feel confident in your ability to interact with others. Or it might mean you’re not feeling secure with that person. Or it could mean that person is saying or doing things that are making you doubt yourself.  Regardless of the reason, it might be helpful to do some reflecting on why this is happening.

• Mind-Read

Are you expecting those you are in a relationship with to read your mind? If so, you’re playing with fire. As much as I love my husband, I cannot read his mind. And he can’t read mine. And frankly, I’m thankful that I can’t read other people’s minds. You are responsible for communicating your wants and needs in a healthy way without expecting those around you to just “know” what you need. This is unfair and often leads to miscommunication and hurt feelings.

• Stonewall

Also known as the silent treatment, stonewalling sends nonverbal messages to the other person that they have offended you in some way or vice versa. Most people use this technique to avoid a confrontation, get the other person to read their mind or they’re feeling overwhelmed and need a break. This usually tends to escalate agreements rather than repair them because the other person is held “hostage” by your silence until you decide to talk. It’s better to communicate with the other person that you need a break, and once your brain is “back online” you can revisit the conversation.

There are many more examples I could give to help you have healthy communication, but this is a good start. And I promise, if you start by figuring out your own blind spots in healthy communication, practicing these skills with others, and using them consistently, things will get better.  If you’re still stuck on how to have healthy communication, it might be time to get some outside help with either counseling or coaching. 

I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

Resources

Canary, D. J. and Susan J. Messman, “Relationship Conflict,” in Close Relationships: A Sourcebook, eds. Clyde Hendrick and Susan S. Hendrick (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage, 2000), 261–70.

Markman, H. J., Mari Jo Renick, Frank J. Floyd, Scott M. Stanley, and Mari Clements, “Preventing Marital Distress through Communication and Conflict Management Training: A 4- and 5-Year Follow-Up,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 61, no. 1 (1993): 70–77.

*I found this quote on my phone and I don’t know who said it or when, and when I tried to look it up online, I couldn’t find it there either. 

Quick and Easy Fixes: Healthy Communication Part I

When I was teaching fifth grade in Texas, I had a student who was failing my class because he would not turn in any of the assignments. The stakes were particularly high for this student because, at the time, Texas had a guideline that stated if students did not pass Reading and Math in 5th grade, they would be retained. I remember doing all I could to help motivate this student to turn in his assignments. I didn’t even care if they were on time, I just wanted him to turn them in. One day, the parents emailed me a solution and said, “We know he can’t be bothered to turn in his assignments, but he does love to read. He especially loves to read the Stephen King Green Mile series. So how about if he does a book report on all of the books he does like to read, and you count that for a grade.” I politely responded with, “That’s not how this works. You can’t just make up the assignments for him since he doesn’t like the ones I’m giving him.” 

Shortly after this exchange, I got called into the principal’s office during my prep period and this student’s parents were waiting for me. Apparently, my principal had set up a meeting with his parents without my knowledge and as you can guess, things did not go well. The parents ended up yelling at me, accusing me of being responsible for their son failing because I wouldn’t let him make up his own assignments, and the dad stormed out of the office. Meanwhile, the principal did not say one word to defend me. I left the meeting feeling completely defenseless and utterly defeated. Later, my principal had the nerve to come down to my room and say, “Well, that didn’t go well.” I was furious to say the least. After I had calmed down, I thought of so, so many things I could have said to the parents and to the principal to defend myself. I know we have all been in similar situations-ones where we think of all the things we could have said in the moment. 

Thankfully, I have had very few incidents like that since that one. And, I have learned so much about how to have healthy communication, even when I feel attacked. One of the scarier things in life for most people is having courageous conversations with others. Many people will avoid confrontation at all costs. Many people will avoid it because they feel like if they speak up, they will come across as aggressive rather than assertive. One of my favorite things to teach my clients in therapy is appropriate ways to have courageous conversations with others. This week and next week I’ll be giving my quick and easy fixes for how to have hard conversations with others. Honestly, there are some of the things I wish I would have known way back when I first started teaching. At the very least, I could have respectfully told my principal how much I did not appreciate being blindsided. 

Another good reminder when having hard conversations is that as much as someone loves you, they cannot read your mind. I know my husband pretty well and sometimes I make the correct guess on what he’s thinking or feeling but I cannot read his mind, and he can’t read mine. It is my job to communicate to him my wants and needs, not for him to guess and hope he gets it right. 

Don’t avoid having hard conversations

I could write an entire blog post on why it’s better to have the difficult conversations, rather than letting things fester. But for now, I will say, in my humble opinion, that it’s almost always better to confront and get the difficult conversation out of the way than it is to avoid it until it becomes an explosive conversation. Many people sit in my office and tell me about things that have happened that could have been avoided with a simple conversation. Entire families have stopped speaking over misunderstandings, often very minor things, because someone said or did something that offended them. Often times, the other family member has no idea what they said or did that caused the rift. When the offending party finds out how their actions or words were interpreted by the offended party, they are usually shocked and saddened that they weren’t told, and then didn’t have the opportunity to repair the hurt. If something doesn’t sit right with you, it’s better to clear the air and have the conversation. It might not go well, but at least you’ll give the other person the opportunity to explain their actions. 

Try this approach if you need to confront: 

“When you said, _______________, I interpreted it as________________. Is that what you meant?” 

OR 

Would you mind telling me what you meant when you said, ______________?”  

I always think it’s best to wait a few minutes until you’re calm, and then ask these questions. Things normally go much better than if we ask when you’re annoyed or frustrated. 

Aggressive vs. Assertive Communication

Many clients have told me when they must have a difficult conversation, or even if they are telling someone their wants/needs, they feel like they’re being aggressive. When someone is aggressive, you know it. Usually their voice is louder, they might be yelling, and they are talking in shorter sentences. In assertive communication, you’re talking from your experience/point of view, and you’re using a calm, normal voice. 

Many people also tend to go into passive aggressive communication, which is acting as though you’re being compliant to the wants/needs of others, but you’re acting it out in an aggressive way, such as slamming doors, muttering under your breath, or delaying doing the task. Passive-aggressive communication almost always leaves one person feeling very resentful. 

Try this approach for assertive communication: 

“I didn’t like how we left things last night because I got the impression you were feeling ______, is that true?”

OR

“I want to make sure we’re on the same page, and what I heard you say was __________, is that what you meant?” 

Remember the end goal

If you’re in a relationship with someone, friends, partners, spouses, more times than not, you both want the same thing out of the relationship. Obviously, the end goal depends on the nature of the disagreement and the relationship, but most of the time both parties want the same thing. Usually, peace and calm. 

There is research to support that the biggest fear that people have is being left alone. Because, if you’re left alone (as a baby), you will die. So, we crave community and connection with others. The research states that this stems from birth and is likely in our DNA.  Researchers also state that when people argue and fight, they are triggered and the amygdala (the part of the brain responsible for fight, flight or freeze), makes them believe that the other person will leave, and then they will die. Keep in mind that this process happens in .01 seconds, so this isn’t a conscious thought. That comes a little bit later in the process, when your senses start giving your brain cues that the other person is not going to leave, and you’re just having a disagreement. I think this process is helpful to understand why it’s difficult to have hard conversations. 

When you do have to have a hard conversation with someone, it’s important for you to know the end goal at the beginning of the conversation. It might be, I’m tired of fighting all of the time, I want us to be on the same page, I feel you’re unreliable, etc. If you can know what the end goal is in the conversation, it makes it much easier to stay on topic and not get roped into the defense mechanisms people use to distract you from the main point of the conversation. 

Try this approach for remembering the end goal:

“It sounds like you’re still upset about __________, and we can talk about that later, but right now we need to talk about ___________.”

OR

“One of the main reasons I’m having this hard conversation is because I love you and our friendship, and it’s worth it to me to have it so I’m not holding on to resentment, that’s not fair to you or me.” 

Again, I think it’s best to have these conversations when you’re both calm, but even if you’re not, you can still remind the other person that you want the same thing. If you know that you can’t be calm during a conversation, it’s best to communicate that as well by stating, “I hear what you’re saying, and I need some time to think this through. Can we talk about it in 30 minutes or so?” It’s best to set a time to talk about it later as well, this will help alleviate the anxiety that will come with having to revisit a difficult conversation. 

If the person you’re trying to have the hard conversation with does not respond well to these interventions, it is more information for you on where you might need to create a boundary with them in the future. In my experience, having these difficult conversations with parents and loved ones are usually the most difficult. If they don’t react well, it might mean you need extra, or outside help to figure it out.

I’ll be back next week with some more tips on how to have courageous conversations and in the meantime, I hope you can put these healthy communication skills into practice.

I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling.