We recently returned from vacation, and I noticed that I had a very different reaction than I used to when I would be out of the office for a week. When I used to leave for vacation, I had a lot of anxiety that something would get missed, that one of my clients would need something or I would drop the ball on something before I left, and I would have to deal with it while I was gone. And, back then, I needed to not think about work while I was on vacation because I needed the entire time to rest and recharge!
Over the last several years, I’ve noticed a change. I used to need about 3 days to finally settle in and relax on vacation and now I feel myself settling down within the first few hours of my time away. As I was reflecting on why I was able to make a change in this area, I realized it was likely due to a few reasons: I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP) which means transitions, even good ones are hard sometimes. I’m a 2 on the Enneagram which means I’m predisposed to people-pleasing. And probably related to both is that I care deeply for the work that I do and want to make sure people are well taken care of, even while I’m out of the office. Over time, I’ve been able to put some things in place, like an assistant, who I know takes good care of my clients while I’m out of the office. Plus, I’ve done a better job of communicating to my clients when I’ll be out of town and who they can reach out to if needed. These changes have allowed to me to rest and recharge quicker when I’m out of the office. Which then helps me be able to return to the office and continue to do the work that I love.
I’ve spent a lot of time helping people create healthy boundaries and let go of their people pleasing behaviors. Because every time someone is struggling with people pleasing behaviors, they have a high level of anxiety. And I get where people are coming from-it comes from a place of wanting to be a good person who adds value to other people’s lives. When people pleasing goes too far, anxiety sets in, and self-worth takes a big hit. Here are some reasons I think people pleasing is so dangerous:
Assumptions
When we try to please others, we’re assuming that we know what they want or need. I remember a client telling me one time that she asked her parents to help her move, and they ended up not being helpful at all because they continued to do things that they thought needed to be done, rather than asking her what she needed or wanted done. They assumed they were being helpful because they were doing things like cleaning cabinets and sweeping floors. But, those weren’t the most pressing things to do at the moment, since the moving truck was in the drive way. She felt stuck because she didn’t want to tell them how they could do more helpful, and the whole day was frustrating because they weren’t helping in the areas she needed helped. They on the other hand thought they were being helpful because they were busy doing things that they thought needed done. Assumptions are dangerous because they give us a false sense of security-that we’re actually doing or saying things that the other person needs, without really checking with them to see if what is they want or need.
Expressing Feelings
Another reason I think people pleasing is dangerous in relationships is that it causes you to feel like you can’t express your wants or needs without them being invalidated, thus losing your voice in that relationship. When we can’t express what we’re feeling, or when we do express what we’re feeling and it’s minimized or dismissed by the other person, over time, we stop expressing our wants and needs for the fear of the reaction by the other person. This cycle causes many people to lose their voice in a relationship and then continue to do what they think the other person wants them to do. Soon, they find out that this strategy doesn’t work very well either, because we can’t read other people’s minds. So, the cycle continues, and anxiety gets worse, and we feel stuck.
While these people pleasing behaviors, can cause people to feel stuck, I always think there is hope for healing in ourselves and our relationships. Here are a few things that can help fix the people pleasing cycle, and hopefully help you find more peace in your own life and your relationships:
Core Values
I do a lot of work with people and helping them discover their core values. Core values are essential to how we view and make decisions about our world. When we interact with other who have similar core values, these interactions are usually easy and come naturally. When we interact with people who do not share the same core values, the interactions are usually clumsier and more difficult. I think it’s important that everyone spends some time figuring out your core values. This will help give you a better idea of why you’re engaging in people-pleasing behaviors. For example, if one of your core values is community and contribution, you are more likely to sacrifice your own needs to make sure someone else has what they need. While this can be done in a healthy way, it can also go too far, and create relationships where you’re the one doing everything for everyone in the household and don’t have any time or energy to get things done for yourself. Do a quick internet search for core values and you should have many examples and worksheets to choose from. I usually have people pick their top 5-10, any more than that and I think it gets too overwhelming to be very useful.
Do your work
I believe people are doing the best that they can, but they can always do better. And by the always do better, I mean they can look for ways that they need to change and grow to be a better person. But I have found that some people cannot do their own personal work because it is so deeply buried by shame, they can’t face it. When you can spend some time being introspective about the things that you do and why, you can start to uncover areas of your life that need fixed. Sometimes these things are obvious and sometimes they’re not so obvious. I work with people all along this spectrum-some people know exactly what they need counseling for, others know that things just aren’t working in their lives and need help figuring it out. That’s why I think it’s so important for everyone to spend time with themselves, taking a close look on what’s working and what isn’t working in their lives and relationships. This can be scary, which is why it’s nice to have a trusted friend or counselor to talk through the things as they come up.
Permission
If you’ve read anything I’ve published ever, you know I’m all about giving yourself permission. We’re humans, not robots so we’re going to make mistakes. And making mistakes is how we learn. In regard to people pleasing behavior, you have permission to be misunderstood by others and you have permission to disappoint others. When I’ve had to create boundaries with people at different times in my life, I know they’ve been disappointed in my decisions, I also know that they may not totally understand why I’ve made a boundary. And that’s okay with me. I can allow people to misunderstand me and be disappointed in me because in the end, I know that I don’t have to be “good enough” for them to be good enough. This is definitely an uncomfortable feeling at first. But the more you practice it the better it works.
I hope this helps you figure out a place to start to deal with your people please behaviors, and it will ultimately lead to you have less anxiety. If you still need help with managing your anxiety, join us for the Anxiety Management Group for Adults August 9-October 11 (No Group on Labor Day, September 6). We will be covering topics to help you be the boss of your anxiety! Check out our website and social media for more information.
I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling.