Quick and Easy Fixes: Getting into a Good Routine

When the children were babies, I kept a sleep/eat/play schedule like clockwork. I felt like I had to because I needed to know when I could get some rest! As they got older and gave up naps, it was harder to keep a good routine and I have no doubt it caused me more than one meltdown at times. 

While I love a good routine because it helps me stay in a good mental place, I also like to have some flexibility as well. It’s a tough balance because sometimes it seems that highly sensitive persons want to have it both ways. And we do, because on some level we believe we can have our cake and eat it too! 

This week I want to share some pro tips for creating a good routine that helps keep you in a good mental space. The flip side of this, is that things happen, and you will have to have flexibility in your routine as well. What’s tricky about having a routine is that those around you might view this move as controlling or unnecessary but if it keeps you in a good mental place so you can keep doing the good things that you do for your family, your work, and your community, then I’m all for it! If you do get some push back from loved ones about your schedule, gently remind them that you’re doing what you need to do in order to be the best version of yourself, whether or not they understand it or support it. 

Here are the things I do to have a good routine: 

A Good AM or PM Routine

I’m not super rigid about my morning and evening routines because, well like I said, I like to have some flexibility. There are a few things I like to do every morning when I wake up but it seems like I run out of time before I go to the gym. And then I don’t have much time after the gym to do those things. My solution has been to do as many of the things in the evening so I’m prepped and ready to go in the morning. I make sure my clothes are ironed, lunch is ready, my gym clothes are laid out and my work back is packed and ready. I rarely forget things and it helps me wake up calm and ready for the day.

A Good Weekly Routine

Over the last few months, I’ve re-established a good weekly routine. I work Monday-Thursday and have found start and end times in my schedule that work well for me. Thankfully, I set my own schedule, so this isn’t difficult. If you have the option, I would encourage you to play with your start and end times and see if you can work during those hours. Some HSPs I know like to work 4-10 hour days and then have 1 day off during the week, some like to start early in the morning, and get off earlier in the evening, some like to work a normal work week. And some don’t have any control over their start and end times. Whatever the case may be, start by paying attention to the times during the day and week that you have more energy. For example, I have way more energy Sunday-Wednesday, so I try to pack a little more into those days, and then give myself permission to have a slower pace Thursday-Saturday. It doesn’t always work out to be low maintenance those days, but since I don’t overschedule myself Fridays and Saturdays, I at least know I can catch a break on those days. The most important thing is to find a schedule that works best for how you’re wired. I have also found that doing meal prep on Sunday when I have more time and energy works well for me. I will usually prep my lunches for the week, and some dinners if I have time. This makes getting ready for work super easy and less hectic because my lunch is ready to go. 

A Good Yearly Routine

This may sound like it’s not even possible to plan your whole year and I realize this is the space you need to have the most flexibility but the things I can plan for the entire year is doctor’s appointments and vacations. Many HSPs that I work with come to me very frazzled and nearly burned out because they haven’t taken time off in YEARS. And they normally have tons of PTO accumulated because they are just dedicated, handworkers. When I hear this, my first recommendation is take time off TOMORROW! Research has shown that HSPs need a weeklong break at least every 3 months. I always start by encouraging my clients to take this week off and plan for it. When you have a vacation or a staycation to look forward to, it makes the tasks of daily life a little more manageable. 

I also think it’s important to plan your doctor’s appointments every year. This is one area that many people skip because they don’t want to take the time to go to the doctor or even make the appointment. I think your health is one of the best gifts you can give to your family and it’s important that you find the time to get regular checkups and do all the preventive steps you can to stay healthy. Your future self will thank you, trust me. I’d love for you to head on over to Instagram or Facebook and drop a comment on one of the posts this week so I can hear your pro tips for establishing a good routine. 

This list is by no means exhaustive to all the things that I do in a day, week, or year to help me stay in a good head space. But I hope it give you a place to start and the encouragement you need to get started. I’m a big advocate of doing the things you know you need to do to be the best version of yourself. 

I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

Quick and Easy Fixes: Getting Things Done Around the House

These past few weeks were a blur as it always is this time of year. On Saturday, we were invited or wanted to attend 6 different things-a bridal shower, a baby shower, a wedding, 2 open houses, and our son’s graduation! We managed to get to three of them and we felt pretty good about ourselves! Thankfully, I tend to be a pretty good planner and can figure out a way to make things work without it being too stressful. 

One of the things that tends to push highly sensitive people toward shut down, is when they have too many things going on at once. They tend to get overwhelmed, shut down and then beat themselves up when the things that they needed to do don’t get done! It’s tricky to figure it all out! So, this month, I want to share some of the strategies that I’ve implemented over the years that help me not feel so overwhelmed and get things done. I’ll be sharing my quick and easy fixes for getting things done around the house, setting a good routine, and communicating with others. I chose these, because these areas tend to be the ones that shut me down the quickest. I hope these tips will inspire you to find some strategies that work for you! 

Here are my tips for getting things done around the house: 

Remind yourself that it’s temporary

There are times when life gets hectic and crazy busy, and it becomes difficult to manage our physical environment. When this happens, I remind myself that this is temporary, and when I’m less busy, less tired, less sick, I’ll get right back at it, and get the house cleaned up and the way I like it. This was especially true when the kids were little-there were always messes and it never felt like things were picked up. I reminded myself that once they got older, they could help more, pick up after themselves more and could keep the mess confined to their rooms. Even now when we have busy seasons, I just do what I can-load the dishwasher quickly, wipe down a mirror or sweep the floor. Whatever it is, and whatever I have the energy for, I tackle and then save the rest for later. It’s a little hard for my perfectionistic self to walk away from the other things that need done in the room, but I trust myself that I’ll handle it when I have a little more time or energy. The best part is this: it always gets done! 

Get rid of things!

If you are sentimental you might want to skip over this tip because it’s probably not for you! One of the best things my husband and I do often is to go through things in our house. We will usually do an all-out cleaning of closets, clothes, shoes, kitchen, etc. We usually only tackle one project at a time and not all at once. For example, we will only focus on one room or one closet but not every closet in the house. And we will just purge and organize. We don’t have a very big house, so it makes it easy to not want to hold on to things because we just don’t have the room. I also know that it’s a good gift we’re giving to our children. I received a gift several years ago from a dear friend who passed away, and while it’s very sentimental to me, my children will not know what to do with it. So, my plan for this item is to honor it in a special way that is meaningful for me, which will ensure my children don’t have to take care of it when I’m gone. I go through pictures regularly on my phone, and only keep the best one from each event, and I always have a pile of stuff that we pass along to those in need. I think it’s a win-win. 

Baby Steps

One of my favorite movies from 1991, is called What About Bob? In it, one of the main characters, a psychologist writes a book called, “Baby Steps.” He uses it to teach his patients how to get through any of the overwhelm they’re experiencing by taking baby steps. Turns out this idea works in real life, especially for highly sensitive persons. When I feel myself starting to get overwhelmed, I take a deep breath, remind myself that I just must do the “next thing,” and after that’s done, I do “the next thing.” This is especially helpful when I start to get overwhelmed and there’s a deadline to the things that need to get done such as going on vacation, getting ready to host a party or dinner, or cleaning out a closet (I usually want to be done about halfway through any project I tackle!)

I hope this give you a place to start to tackle getting things done around the house. I use these strategies on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. It’s easy to get into the trap of getting overwhelmed, shutting down and then beating yourself up mentally because you got overwhelmed. Instead, tackle it head on, remind yourself that you’ve got this and get things done! 

I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

You Have Permission to Try Something New

At first it was my brother. And it was his wife. Then it was my dad. They all had joined a new gym that had just opened in town. At family gatherings, talk would soon turn to their workouts and hard they were and who their favorite instructors were. After a while, I decided to give it a try. Afterall, if my dad, in his early 70’s could do, I figured I could too. I went to a free class before I signed up and I liked it right away. I understood why they talked about it so much. 

But, after several weeks, I started getting frustrated. I wasn’t understanding all the coaching terms they used, I was tired and sore almost all of the time. I was hungry a lot and began to feel like I couldn’t keep up and why was I even trying. 

Then it occurred to me. I could quit. I could stop my membership. Nobody was making me go. And I was an adult. And could make my own decisions! 

Then it also occurred to me that maybe it was because this was something new. It could also be that my perfectionist self didn’t that that I was “doing it right,” and so I was getting frustrated when I had to be corrected because I was doing something wrong on the weight floor. It also occurred to me that since I’m a highly sensitive person, that I don’t like transitions, even positive ones. And changing gyms and workout routines after 20 years of doing pretty much the same thing was difficult.

So, I took a deep breath, told myself to wait two more weeks and if I still didn’t like it, I could stop my membership. You know what happened after giving it two more weeks? I stayed, I liked it. I got stronger, I could run longer distances, the instructors didn’t give me so many corrections and I started feeling better because I was doing a workout that was mentally and physically tough. And that’s just what I needed.

When things get hard, even positive things, I think we tend to give up too quickly. I took up watercolor painting over the past couple of years and I decided when I started this new hobby that I was going to stick with it, realizing that I might not be very good at it. But if it helps me be creative and relax, then it’s worth doing. Fast forward to today, and I’m not great at it but I’ve made a few cards for people, and it serves its purpose of being a creative outlet for me. 

So this week, give yourself permission to try something new and stick with it for a while. Your future self will thank you! Here are a few ideas of new things to try: 

1. Take a class 

There are a lot of low cost/free options online which makes it affordable and convenient

1. Do a training

Again, there are many options online. I’ve found several ones for drawing and watercolors for as little as $5.

1. Take a trip by yourself

2. Learn a new hobby

3. Volunteer

4. Try anything outside of your comfort zone to see if you like it

5. Read an autobiography-or really any genre of literature you don’t normally read

6. Read or reread a classic

7. Watch a documentary

8. Try a new restaurant with cuisine that you don’t normally eat

9. Take a day trip to a new place

10. Take a new exercise class

11. Try a new recipe or cooking skill you’ve never done before

12. Ask someone out to coffee that you want to get to know better

13. Join a club about something you might be interested in knowing more about

Giving yourself permission to try something new feels a little like the advice that you can do or be anything you want. Really, I just want you to give yourself a chance to take the next step in trying something new that you’ve been too scared to do before. Whether or not you like it is not the point. The point is to get you outside of your comfort zone and embrace the lessons you learn while you’re there. 

I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

You Have Permission to Ask for Help

Several years ago, I had to rescue a family member while we were on a snorkeling excursion while on a cruise in the Bahamas. From the time we left the port in Florida, the boat rocked almost constantly because the weather was so bad. In fact, they ended up canceling one of the ports because they wouldn’t be able to dock the boat because of the wind. On our way to the excursion, the bus driver warned us that getting out to the rocks to snorkel would be fairly easy-it was about a ¼ mile from the shore-but getting back was going to take some effort because of the wind. I’m skipping a lot of details in between but long story short, my family member got out to the rocks, my husband was nowhere to be found, and I found myself having to tow the family member into shore, using a flotation device I had around my waist. After trying for about 45 minutes to get us both back to shore to safety, I realized that I needed to call for help. After several more intense moments, we both got to shore safely. I’ve never really loved open water like that, so the fact that I was able to keep my head on straight during a crisis in the water was pretty impressive. 

I don’t know if it’s because I’m highly sensitive or because of my personality, but I typically don’t like to ask for help. Partly because I like to figure things out for myself. And partly, I don’t want to inconvenience anyone else. I like a good challenge but sometimes can get overwhelmed by it quickly which is why I think it could be a highly sensitive trait. I’m also stubborn enough, I want to prove myself and others that I can do something on my own-which could be my personality. Either way, when I was rescuing my family member, I had an internal dialogue about whether to call for help, and how much longer I should try before calling for help. 

This experience reminds me of the importance of asking for help before it’s too late. I could have easily kept trying to get us both back to shore, but obviously it could have ended with us both drowning. Many times, when I’m working with clients, they’ve waited almost too long to ask for help. Not just with mental health concerns but any of life circumstances. Many people don’t have a good idea that they’re getting pushed to or over the edge until it’s too late. And soon everyone around them is paying for it because they’re getting yelled at or the target of their frustration. Then they come to me completely overwhelmed and have no idea where to start and it takes a while to unpack what’s going on and discern next steps for healing and repairing themselves and those around them. 

While individual, marriage or family counseling are areas that people have permission to ask for help, there are many other areas in life, where asking for help sooner rather than later could save you from a lot of frustration. 

Here are some ways you can ask for help before you get too overwhelmed:

1. Have a daily check in with yourself

While this seems obvious to some people, it’s one that often gets overlooked. Our world is filled with so many distractions now with having a tiny computer (phone) at our fingertips full of social media, news, music, audio books and podcasts that can be a constant distraction from what’s happening internally for us. Sitting in silence is one of the best ways to check in with yourself and see if you notice any One of my favorite ways to do this is a quick body scan. Starting at the top of your head and moving all the way down to your toes, notice any distress or discomfort. If you notice any, see if you can take 3-5 deep breaths, focusing on that area and releasing any tension with each exhale. There are many benefits to checking in with yourself but one of the best is that you have a better understanding of the things that are bothering you before it’s too late and your frustration boils over. Often, people tell me that they don’t recognize the signs their body is giving them until it’s too late and they explode and say or do things they quickly regret. Here are a few other ways to check in with yourself:

Prayer

Bible Study

Meditation

Mindfulness exercises (like the body scan)

Stretching

Yoga poses

Doing anything in silence-dishes, laundry, driving

1. Find a community

One of the benefits of social media is that you can find people who have common interests. Finding good friends and community can be hard in real life but it’s important to make the effort. Some of my best friends, started because we had something in common and our friendship grew from there. A community of friends can give us the relationship with others and give us the opportunity to ask for help when and if we need it. And then we can reciprocate that for others when they need it. I believe we were made for community with others. I think we all felt and saw the effects of self-quarantine last year when we were forced to isolate from our communities! Building a community might include:
Join a book club

Join a mom’s/dad’s club

Be social/friendly at your child’s sporting events

Ask someone to meet you for coffee, lunch or dinner

Join a Bible Study

Join a club-hiking, biking, walking, etc.

1. Find someone older to mentor you

This also can be a tricky way to get involved with people who are older than you. Even when I have made comments in passing to those who are older than I am about the difficulties that are happening with my children or trying to find work/family balance, my older friends are able to give me some advice for the stage I’m in because they’ve already been there and survived it! Plus, it gives you the opportunity to ask for help when needed and when people have been there done that, they usually have great advice. Any of the ways in #2 would be helpful in finding an older than you mentor.

1. Find someone younger than you and be their mentor

One of the things I love about my job, is that when I work with some people who are in a difficult stage in life and I can relate, I can reassure them that they are equipped to handle the things that are happening and that they will get through it. I remember one particularly difficult stage of parenting a dear friend basically said the same thing to me. That I was equipped and there was hope that this stage wouldn’t last forever! Finding someone to be a mentor to, gives you the opportunity to help others in ways that you’ve been helped along the way. Again, the ideas for finding a mentee from #2 apply here as well. 

I hope this helps you find ways that you can give yourself permission to ask for help before it’s too late! We’ve all been there and know how difficult it can be to get back to center when we’ve boiled over. Don’t be afraid to ask for help this week! 

I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

You Have Permission to Ask for Your Wants & Needs

A few weeks ago, my husband and I were reflecting on our early relationship. We’ve been together the majority of both of our lives at this point, so it’s been fun to see how we’ve each grown as people and as a couple. One of the things that came up for me while we were talking is how absolutely selfish and immature I was early on in our relationship. I definitely made so many things about me, and worse yet, I expected him to just know certain things which he could only know if he had the superpower of mind reading. I’m thankful that we made it through those early years and that we both have matured so much, both on a personal level and in our relationship.

One of the most important lessons I learned early on, is that as much as my husband loves me, he cannot read my mind. There are times I don’t even know what I want or need, let alone, expecting him to “just know.” That was not fair of me at all. After some interpersonal work, I realized that I need to tell him what works and what doesn’t work for me rather than expecting he will know or realize it just because he loves me. 

My Dad was an airline pilot for the latter part of my childhood, which meant he would be gone 4-5 days at a time. When we were first married, my husband would be gone a lot in the evenings for various reasons. After a while, and I’m sure many days of me being mad at him and pouting, I told him that I didn’t like that he was gone so many evenings during the week. His reply was that my dad was gone a lot in the evenings and assumed I would be used to it and wouldn’t mind that he wasn’t around either. The reality was, I didn’t enjoy spending all that time alone after I got done with my day. We also lived in a very creepy, 100-year-old house that was fairly isolated from anyone else, and it didn’t feel very secure to me, so I didn’t love being there in the evenings alone. As we were “discussing” this one day, mostly likely for the hundredth time, he said, “Oh, if this isn’t working for you, then it’s not working.” Right! I’m not sure why it took so many times for him to come to this conclusion, but I was glad we finally made it! I’m sure I’ve had instances where he’s had to tell me something as many times as well, but this is my blog post, so we don’t need to bring up those examples. 

When working with highly sensitive people, they often have a very difficult time expressing their wants and needs to anyone they are in a relationship with-spouses, partners, friends children, etc. And what’s even more difficult is that they sometimes don’t even know what they want or need. There are several reasons for this, but poor boundaries and overthinking are two of the biggest reasons highly sensitive people struggle in this area.  

Here are a few tips for expressing your wants and needs sot that you can have the best relationship possible with others. 

Identify your wants/needs

I encourage you not to be like I was early on in my relationship with my husband and assume those around you will know your wants and needs. If it’s not working for you, figure out what isn’t working and why. Many times, when I sit with highly sensitive people in session, they have no idea what they want or need, and it leaves them feeling frustrated and those who love them have no idea how to help them. If you’re not even sure what your wants and needs are, take the time to make a list. Make sure your list is as complete as possible, dream big, put no limits on this list. Make sure to take the time to figure out what needs to happen in your environment in order for you to function as the best version of yourself. Your list might include how often you need the house cleaned how much time you want to spend with your spouse or friends, how many vacations you need a year, etc. Remember if you have no idea what you want and need, those around you can’t or won’t know unless you tell them. Also keep in mind that this list will change over time. When we were first married, I didn’t like being alone in the evenings and now it’s warmly welcomed! 

Cooperation over Compromise 

I don’t sit down with young married people very often but when I do, one of the main things I hear is how they’re trying to figure out how to compromise to get their needs met. While compromise can be a good thing in a relationship, it can also leave one person feeling bitter and resentful if that person feels like they’re the one making most of the sacrifices in the relationship. Compromise also implies that both people must lose something in order to be able to move on. Cooperation on the other hand, has more of a team approach. It’s more about how we can both work together toward the same goal in order for things to work better for both of us. 

Be open to receiving constructive criticism

One of the more difficult things in a relationship is when you are on the receiving end of hearing that something you’re doing isn’t working for the other person. I don’t like to have these conversations or be confronted with information that I’ve intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone by my words or actions. But it’s part of life. And I think these are opportunities to do better for those I love. It’s difficult but it’s worth it. Even when my husband and I must have difficult conversations, even multiple times, we always come back to the facts. And the facts are that we love each other enough to have the hard conversations as many times as we need to until we figure it out. 

Be open to initiating hard conversations

It doesn’t happen very often, but I have sat with people in my office who are almost ready to leave their spouse because they aren’t getting their wants or needs met. When we explore this a little further, I find out that they haven’t taken the time to initiate hard conversations about the things that are not working in their relationship. In fairness, there are usually several reasons that they’re afraid to have these difficult conversations, usually because of their spouses’ overreactions or underreactions, but nonetheless, the conversations aren’t happening. Just like I don’t think it’s fair to assume someone will know your wants and needs because they love you, I don’t think it’s fair for you to be done with a relationship if you haven’t communicated your wants and needs clearly.

My caveat to all of these suggestions is that being in relationships with people is difficult. And if you’ve tried some of these things on your own, and they haven’t worked, it might be time to get outside help from a professional. Since a professional is not as emotionally invested in your relationship, they usually can give you a more objective opinion and point you in a direction that can bring about more effective change and healing. A professional can also help you clarify your boundaries, give you the language to communicate your wants and needs effectively, identify behaviors that you might need to change to have healthy relationships. There are also times that a professional might help you figure out if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. I’m biased, but I always think it’s better to get help sooner rather than later. Worst case scenario, you establish a relationship with a therapist or a coach who can provide a safety net for you as you navigate life. Because we all know that life gets hard and overwhelming at times.  

I hope this helps you figure out how you can communicate your wants/needs effectively and appropriately in relationships. And if and when you get stuck, don’t be afraid to ask for help! 

I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

You Have Permission to Make Mistakes

A theme that comes up often in my counseling practice for many people is guilt. They feel guilty for things that they, “should be doing” and aren’t. They feel guilty for things they, “shouldn’t be doing” and are. When we sit together and explore what these “shoulds” are, where they came from and what they mean, it turns out that more often than not, it’s about people not wanting to make mistakes. Because making a mistake or being wrong would cause others to think less of them. 

I get it. I like to be right. I remember last year when we were remodeling the kitchen and I walked right into Sherwin Williams, immediately picked the color for the kitchen walls, and told my husband this was the color. He of course did not think it was the color because, “how could I have possibly picked it that fast?” We spent the next few weeks looking at paint swatches, spending way too much money on samples, asking our friends their opinions, only for my husband to decide that indeed, he liked the first color I picked. Granted it was a bold choice, but I knew it would work. I like being right. 

And as many times as I have been right, I know there are way more times when I get it wrong and make mistakes. When I say the wrong thing at the wrong time (I don’t always have the best filter, but it has gotten much better over the years), and when my mistakes impact others in a negative way. I especially hate it when that happens. 

I remember when I was well into adulthood, I used to replay conversations over and over again that I had with other people. I would spend way too much time rehashing everything about the conversation, and then chastise myself for saying the wrong thing or berating myself for the things I said. It was exhausting. After learning I was highly sensitive, and then specializing in the trait in my practice, I realized that this was because I didn’t want to make mistakes. Normally the root of this is perfectionism, many people feel very guilty when they mess up and that can be debilitating and leave them stuck. 

This week, I think it’s important to remember that you have permission to make mistakes. If you struggle with giving yourself permission to make mistakes, or “should” yourself a lot, here are a few tips that might help: 

Rupture vs. Repair

I’ve been studying attachment theory and how it impacts our relationships, and it has been so helpful as I have been able to use this information to teach clients why they interact the way they do with others. Especially parents because they tend to be very hard on themselves when they are not patient enough with their children. While that may be the case, it’s also true that parenting is a tough job! But in any relationship, there are going to be fights, arguments, yelling and even impulsive reactions/words to situations. We’re human, and we can’t always be our best selves all the time. Yelling, fights and being impulsive all contribute to ruptures in our relationships. However, the more important part of any relationship is how you repair that situation. Genuinely listening to hear the other person’s point of view, admitting when you were wrong, offering sincere apologies-these are all ways to let the other person know that they are important to you, and you will try to do better next time. It’s more important to focus on the repair than the rupture but many of us get stuck on the rupture. 

Talk to yourself as if you’re talking to a friend

When these ruptures happen in relationships, or you make mistakes, especially when it’s people you don’t live with, and you find yourself rehashing a previous conversation, stop, and talk to yourself as if you’re talking to a friend. What would you say to a friend if they were telling you about this situation? How would you help them be able to learn from that and move through it? What advice would you give them? This technique can be helpful when we’re having a difficult time getting out of our own heads!

Talk to yourself using your first name

I tried this recently because a client shared it with me during session. And I’m surprised to say that it really worked. When I was younger and was so hard on myself when I made mistakes, I usually ended up saying very negative things to myself. Many people do the same thing. They think they deserve to hear such unkind things about themselves. When we use our own name when talking to ourselves, it sounds more like a friend is talking to us and giving us advice. And normally our friends are much kinder and gentler to us than we are to ourselves. 

Give yourself grace

You’re not going to get it right all the time so give yourself permission to make mistakes and then try to do better next time. You might even say to yourself, “I have permission to make mistakes because I’m not perfect.” Oh, and don’t forget to use your first name when you say this! 

I hope this helps you be kinder to yourself this week and give yourself permission to make mistakes. And when you do make them, (and you will), focus more on how you can repair it than the mistake itself.

I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

If You See Me This Month and I’m Sad, Here’s Why

Earlier this week, we had some friends over who have young children, 5 and 3-year-old boys. Their boys did not stop moving and exploring and checking everything out while they were here! At first, my friend kept apologizing about interruptions to our conversations, or all the fingerprints we were going to have on our windows and back door, or them coming in and out of the house. You know, all of the things that active children do every minute they’re awake! I kept reassuring her that we weren’t worried about any of it, we were just happy to have them over. I also reminded her that every day with a toddler feels like a 32-hour long day. I also told her that once they go to high school, time really starts to fly. 

At the end of this month, my husband and I will hit another milestone with our youngest child. He’s going to graduate high school. It really does feel weird having two children who are going to be out on their own soon{ish}. While I know this will be a time of adjustment for my husband and I, we are so happy for our youngest to go to college in the Fall and stretch the limits of who he is out in the world. So, I’m happy for him (he’s ready to be out of high school!), but I also know that I need to take time to be sad. 

One of the lessons I try to teach my therapy and coaching clients is that they have permission to feel their feelings. While this concept seems so simple, it’s actually fairly hard for many people to actually do. This is especially true for clients who don’t like to cry. They have heard messages from others, or they tell themselves that crying is weak, unnecessary or they can’t or won’t cry in front of others. And before I became a counselor, I told myself these very same things. During my practicum for graduate school, I sat in on an Intensive Outpatient addiction group and my supervisor who was leading the group said, “This may sound funny, but crying is like going to the bathroom. We would never tell ourselves not to go to the bathroom when we needed to, so we shouldn’t tell ourselves we can’t cry when we need it.” After hearing this, I began letting myself feel the full range of my own feelings and it was quite powerful in doing my own work of healing. 

Feeling the full depth and breadth of my feelings as a highly sensitive person (HSP) was overwhelming at first. I didn’t know I was HSP until my mid-30’s, and several years after graduate school, I had no idea that the reason my feelings felt so heavy was because of my highly sensitive trait. For most of my life, I did not allow myself to feel the full range of my feelings because I often felt like they overwhelmed me for days and weeks at a time which would almost always lead me to shut down and depression. After learning more about the highly sensitive trait I realized I got overwhelmed quicker and easier than 80-85% of the population. This was also when the statement my supervisor said to the addiction group about crying came rushing back and I began to put the puzzle pieces together that I too had permission to feel what I needed to feel, even if it felt overwhelming at times. Once I accepted this, I began to give myself permission to feel what I needed to feel without the fear that the emotions would overwhelm me or that they would cause me to feel stuck for days or weeks at a time. In a sense, my emotional reactivity decreased with acceptance. 

This month, I want to focus on giving ourselves permission…Each week I’ll identify one area that people do not give themselves permission to feel or do and how that actually keeps them stuck. 

This week, I’m going to focus on the importance of giving ourselves permission to grieve. Because you’ll most likely see me doing a lot of that as we check all of the “last high school…” off the list as we near graduation. 

We all have experience with the grief that comes with someone dying. But many people don’t allow themselves to grief small and big changes, even positive changes. This is especially true for HSPs because transitions, any kind, can be very difficult. Here are a few examples of places where people get stuck and don’t realize they need to grieve: 

Moving

I’ve moved to 5 different states at different times in my life. All of them came with some level of grief for leaving friends, restaurants (we’re foodies and can name all of our favorites in each state we’ve lived in!), our church and neighborhoods. While I was always excited about the new opportunities that awaited me in the new town, it was always difficult to leave. Moving back to Indiana was one of the moves I was most excited for because we would be closer to family, but it was also the hardest because we had young kids and I was in those overwhelming parenting toddler years!

Grief over a new baby or marriage-or any major life change

I have had people be very excited about having a baby or getting married, and they’re confused about why they’re hesitant or not as happy as “they should be.” As we talk through their feelings surrounding these major life transitions, they realize that they are actually grieving the loss of how things are currently because they know that with the addition of a baby or a spouse, there will be new roles, rules, and major changes. It becomes less about not wanting the new addition and more about whether or not they will be equipped to navigate all of the changes ahead. There is grief in giving up their old way of life for a new normal, even if it is better. They intuitively know it will be an adjustment and parts of the change will be difficult.

The Ending or Beginning of the School Year

This is especially difficult for my highly sensitive kids who have a difficult time with transitions anyway. They get sad about leaving their friends for the summer, teachers, and the routine of the current school year. Likewise, returning to school in the Fall comes with some grief. The grief of losing the unstructured days of summer, warm weather and getting to play all day. 

If you’re feeling sad or overwhelmed, I encourage you to ask yourself if grief might be the cause. And then give yourself permission to feel those feelings. When we allow ourselves to feel our feelings they usually dissipate on their own and are less overwhelming with time. Trust me, this works better than trying to ignore it and hope it goes away. 

This year, I will be grieving the end of the school year too because it’s an end of an era for us. An exciting one. A happy one. And a sad one too. 

I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

Best books for Highly Sensitive Persons {HSPs}

It was 2015 and I was reading a book that was describing my youngest son exactly. He was about 12 years old at this time and I felt like I finally had the answers I had been searching for his whole life. The book I was reading was, “The Highly Sensitive Child” by Dr. Elaine Aron. As I got further into the book, Dr. Aron had a test for parents to take (it’s the same one found on this website www.hsperson.com) because the trait is often hereditary. And much to my surprise, I was highly sensitive too, and likely passed on the trait to my son. It was a relief to finally have a name for what we were dealing with and more importantly how my husband and I could parent him better.

 This was the beginning of my niche in counseling. I found out quickly when I went into private practice that I wanted to work with highly sensitive individuals. Recent research shows that about 50% of people who come to therapy are highly sensitive. Since I’ve been doing this for several years, I can tell quickly during an intake session whether the person is highly sensitive. I might even ask the question, “Do you think you might be highly sensitive?” and the person will almost always answer quickly with a yes or a no.

The highly sensitive trait is a genetic trait and is found in about 15-20% of the population. It’s too high to be in the DSM-V (that’s the diagnostic book that clinicians use for making a diagnosis). Most of the mental health issues found in the DSM-V are found in 10% or less of the population. The Trait affects both men and women equally. It is also not the same as Sensory Processing Disorder or Autism Spectrum Disorder, even though some of the symptoms of the HSP trait can mimic the symptoms of these disorders. 

D.O.E.S is a helpful acronym to describe the trait: 

D=Depth of processing 

Some examples include: overthinking, taking a longer time to move on from situations and people longer than others, difficulty with transitions, feeling feelings deeply

O=Overstimulation 

Some examples include: irritability, overarousal, overwhelm by external stimuli, meltdowns/shutdown

E=Emotional saturation 

Some examples include: range of emotions are bigger and broader than that 80-85% of the population who are non-HSPs, might feel deep feelings of hopelessness, depression or deep sadness)

S=Subtleties

Some examples include: noticing when something has been moved or changed in an environment, noticing when someone doesn’t like them-even when it’s not obvious to others

This week, I wanted to focus on books that I have found helpful in my quest to understand myself better, and my children better. That’s right, we later found out that both of our boys are highly sensitive! It was definitely more subtle in the older one, than the younger one so it took us awhile to figure it out.

Finish by Jon Acuff

This is the best book I’ve found on managing perfectionism. Perfectionism shows up so often in HSPs but it might look like procrastination, not completing the task well, or overwhelm at even starting the task. Jon Acuff is a Christian author, so this book is not for everyone but it’s definitely worth the read if you struggle with perfectionism in area of your life. I haven’t told Jon this, but I actually think he is a HSP. I don’t diagnose someone if I haven’t ever met them but he seems to get exactly why perfectionism is problematic for HSPs especially.

Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists

by Dr. Craig Malkin

One of the things I was finding as I began working with HSPs is that they often were married to narcissists or had very strong narcissistic traits. I later discovered that there is some research to show that a high percentage of HSPs marry narcissists. This book covers the basics of narcissism but also how to continue to be in a relationship with them. The end of the book includes several contracts to use with narcissist in order to create healthy and safe boundaries. 

Hearthmath Solution by Doc Childre and Howard Martin with Donna Beech

I finished this book most recently and it begins with an interesting concept that the heart can make decisions independent of the brain and bring the rest of the body into alignment with these decisions. This is a great book for those of who overthink and overprocess situations They identify three things people can do to calm themselves down in the moment and how to maintain this peace even though nothing about the situation changed. It is not based on mindfulness but does have a suggestion on how to use meditation daily using the “Heart lock In” technique. There are three techniques they teach: Freeze-Frame, Cut Thru and Heart Lock In. Each of these interventions should help people calm down and handle tough situations with ease. There are some new age concepts in the book.

The Gift of Being Yourself Dr. David Benner

He is one of my favorite authors and a deep thinker. This is one of three books in a series for spiritual development. In this book, Dr. Benner encourages readers to spend time with themselves so they can know themselves better and spend time with God so they can know him better. And this work should be done in tandem. He has suggestions on how to do this through meditation, prayer, guided imagery, and journaling. 

Telling Yourself the Truth by William Backus and Marie Chapian

This is on my reading list but many of the reviews and the fact that the purpose of the book is getting to the root of problems is appealing to me. Many of the reviewers said that this book gave them the tools to transform how they see themselves to be more authentic. It even gets to the nitty gritty of why we stay stuck and prolong our own misery. While this book is not spiritual, it is based on moral principles.

There are many other books that I have read that are helpful for HSPs, any of Dr. Aron’s books are great (I have all of them and read most of them), Boundaries by Drs. Cloud and Gary and Townsend, and Switch on Your Brain by Dr. Caroline Leaf this is a great book that addresses how to rewire your brain by recognizing your neuro-cycles and how to fix it.   

I love having a great book or two going at once and hope you’ll find one or more of these books helpful, especially if you or someone you love are HSP. 

If you think you might need counseling or coaching, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

Best Books for Better Communication in Marriage

When I first started graduate school, I would tell people that I was going to be a marriage and family therapist. Because part of me knew I had a good marriage and thought I did a good enough job at being a healthy family. So, it seemed like a natural fit. When I first went into private practice, I learned two things very quickly. One, I wasn’t going to be a good marriage counselor without much more training than I had already done. Two, family therapy was much more difficult than I anticipated and most of those sessions early on, I felt like I was in way over my head. Shortly after working with a few couples for marriage counseling, I made a decision to focus on some of the niches that I felt like were better suited toward my strengths like the highly sensitive person trait, trauma and parenting. 

I’m very passionate about helping people have strong marriages and families, I just do that work more indirectly with helping individuals find their voice in relationships and families to have healthy communication and more peace in their homes. This week I’m focusing on some of my favorite marriage books because I think there is always something to be learned about how to be a better partner to my husband. And of course, any of the information I learn in marriage books I can pass along to others! 

Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis

This is the first book I remembered reading when I was engaged to my husband. I’m not entirely sure why I picked it up in the first place, but I was glad that I did. Even though it’s been a long time since I’ve read the book, I learned that when there are problems in a marriage, I’m partially responsible. The author goes on to share what you, the reader can do, to change your attitude rather than trying to change the other person. I was curious what the Amazon reviews said, and most of the people who left one-star reviews did so because it, “didn’t work.” Which means the marriage was most likely on the precipice before they began reading the book. It’s a quick read with helpful tips for better communication.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman

John and Julie Gottman are very well known within the therapy community. They have one of the best training programs for marriage counselors and it resonates with a lot of people. They dig into the expectations couples have for one another and tackle how to handle issues such as in-laws, money and sex. This book encourages all of their readers to implement the strategies as their reading it.

Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman

My colleague and I talk often how there are not enough good resource for couples on sex and intimacy. This is definitely a good book for how to create sex and intimacy within a marriage. While this book could be good for couples, regardless of how long they’ve been married, I think it’s better suited for couples how haven’t been married for decades. One big complaint of this book is that he really could have used a female co-author for a broader perspective on the topics he covers. 

Love More Fight Less Workbook by Dr. Gina Senarighi

Dr. Senarighi is a Gottman certified relationship coach and has created this workbook for couples to do one lesson a day. This workbook is focused on building healthy communication skills within relationships, communication difficulties and advice with expert advice. The author also recommends couples make sure all other needs are met before discussing difficult topics (e.g., hungry, thirst, tired). My husband certainly has learned the hard way that discussing hard things with me when I’m hungry or tired doesn’t go well! But I think that’s most people. 

Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

While this is not specifically a marriage book, I do think it’s important for anyone who is having relationship difficulties read this book. The book in divided into two parts. The first one is identifying the twenty traits of unsafe people and the second part is dedicated to what you can do to keep yourself safe. I’ve recommended this book many times, and often people will come back and tell me they realize they have been an unsafe person and they want to change it. 

There are many more great books on marriage which are not included in this list, but this should at least be able to get you started if you’re interested in improving your marriage. One of the keys to a great marriage is good communication. Even though my husband and I have a great marriage, there are times when we hit rough spots where communication seems off and is difficult or it takes us awhile to get on the same page. And once we do, everything else in life gets so much easier. I see any marriage book, podcast, workbook, etc., as an investment in your marriage as there is always some bit of wisdom to glean from others. 

If you think you might be in need of counseling or coaching, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling. 

Therapy Secrets Revealed: Best Books on Finances

When my husband and I got married we had a lot of credit card debt and student loan debt. We weren’t on the same page about money, and we certainly didn’t know how to get on the same page with it either! At one particularly difficult time, my sister stepped in and helped us get on a budget so we would be able to stop using the credit cards and start getting out of debt. It would still be another 10 years before I really thought we were on the same page with money.  One of the biggest reasons I think it took us so long to get on the same page about money is that we grew up with very different ideas of money. I grew up not having a lot of money, and then when we did, my parents were very conservative in how they spent it. My parents also supported me financially until I got married, so I didn’t really know anything about how debt worked, paying bills and managing money. My husband, on the other hand, started working when he was 16 years old, almost full time and basically paid for nearly everything on his own, and felt like he could spend money without feeling guilty. The difficulty for us was that I thought we should never spend money and my husband thought spending it was okay. And we both had no idea how to get out of debt once and for all. Eventually we found our way and now he is considered the more frugal out of the two of us, but it took a while for us to get there!

One of the main reasons I wanted to get out of debt so bad was that I had plans to go to graduate school. My husband wisely stated I could go, but we would have to get out of debt first, and we weren’t going to take out any student loans. When someone puts a concrete goal out there for me, I do everything I can to figure it out. I remembered going to the library and checking out my limit of personal finance books and seeing which ones resonated with me the most. I was mostly interested in the ones that taught how to be debt-free. I was now on a mission and ready to figure it out.

Even though this was about 15 years ago, I remembered reading books by Suze Orman and did implement several of her suggestions, such as setting up a will, living will and advanced directives. Since we were in our 30’s at the time and had young children, we thought this was a good idea.  But her suggestions weren’t quite enough to get us to the point where we felt like we were on the same page about how we should get out of debt. 

It was at this point that Dave Ramsey came on the scene and his 7 baby steps for financial freedom. I realize some people are critical of his techniques, it was exactly what my husband and I needed. We needed the Steps so we both knew we were on the same page and we needed a plan laid out for us to get out of debt. Our church was offering his class and we jumped at the chance to take it. It was a great decision for us personally and within about 2.5 years, we had paid off all of our debt and I was able to go back to school debt-free. 

Since that time, I continue to appreciate how much freedom comes with being debt free and how much hope I have for the future with money and being able to pay for things, even emergencies as they come up, without stress and anxiety. 

I realize that there are a variety of factors that cause people to have debt, and not be on the same page, but I do think it’s worth investing the time and money to find a program or author that works for you, so that you can have financial freedom. 

I cheated a little this week and got some help for the books for this week from my brother. Which means I haven’t read all of these books, but my brother is probably one of the smartest people I know when it comes to finances, so I definitely trust his advice. When I read self-help books these days, they tend to have some therapy component to it that I can pass along to my clients. I’m currently reading the HeartMath Solution (Childre, Howard & Beech 2011) and any of my clients who have been in therapy with me that past 2 weeks have probably heard about it! 

Here are the top 5 Must Reads for Financial Freedom Books:

The Automatic Millionaire by David Bach
This is a great introduction to personal finances and starts with some basic concepts such as saving at least 1/8 of your total income, pay off debt first and then invest in retirement. This is a great book for new college graduates. The concepts in this book are basic, easy to follow and implement. 

The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey

This is a great book for people who are in debt. It gives 7 baby steps to financial freedom. The point of the book is telling your money where to go rather than wondering where it went. The entire point of the book is to help people understand the benefits of being debt-free and the freedom that comes with not owing anyone any money. This too is a great book for people who are just starting out with finances and don’t have any debt to start with or people who have accumulated debt in their 20’s and need to figure a way out. This book also emphasizes many Biblical principles which I know is not for everyone. 

The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom by Suze Orman

I had to give a nod to Suze Orman since she was the first author I found that gave me hope that we really could have financial freedom. This is a great book to help people avoid financial pitfalls and gain confidence for financial management. She like all of the other books listed here encourages people to live below their means and invest in the future while giving you steps to get there. 

Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki

This book will help you with your personal financial management by teaching you the difference between rich and poor thinking. A side note to this, there is a big difference in that rich thinking people are able to plan for the future and will usually save for a “rainy day,” while poor thinking people don’t know when they will have money again, so they are more likely to spend it quickly. It will help you know the difference between assets and liabilities and teach you how to make money work for you. There is also information on how you can invest in real estate and make this investment work for you but personally, real estate investing can be a big investment and it’s not for everyone because it can be to anxiety provoking for some. 

The Millionaire Next Door by Thomas J. Stanley

The author of this book essentially splits peoples into 2 categories: under accumulators of wealth and prodigious accumulators of wealth depending on net worth to income ratios. There are 8 chapters in the book that address those people whom you would never suspect would be millionaires, because they are so frugal. He addresses time, energy and money, cars, economic volatility and jobs. The premise of this book is to encourage people to live below their means and invest in their future financial security over social standing. 

The Millionaire Mind by Thomas J. Stanley

This book makes the distinction between the way true millionaire think and act versus those who pretend to be wealthy. He encourages people to have the right mind set in regard to spending and saving their money and how diligence toward these goals can pay off in the long term. He also makes a distinction between those people who are actually wealthy have solid core values and are dedicated and honest people.

Although I have less worry and anxiety about our finances than I did when we first got married, one of my favorite reasons that I love being debt free (except for our house) is that we get to be generous. It has allowed us to be more generous with not only our money but our time as well. When we were trying to get out of debt, we didn’t have a lot of time because we were trying to work a lot to get out of debt. We know can give money to non-profits that we love and want to support, and we can help friends and family out when they need it. It took a lot of work to get debt-free but it’s definitely worth it!  

I hope this gives you a place to start on your own financial freedom journey. I know once you are able to find financial freedom you will have a lot of peace! 

If you think you might be in need of counseling or coaching, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling.