A few weeks ago, my husband and I were reflecting on our early relationship. We’ve been together the majority of both of our lives at this point, so it’s been fun to see how we’ve each grown as people and as a couple. One of the things that came up for me while we were talking is how absolutely selfish and immature I was early on in our relationship. I definitely made so many things about me, and worse yet, I expected him to just know certain things which he could only know if he had the superpower of mind reading. I’m thankful that we made it through those early years and that we both have matured so much, both on a personal level and in our relationship.
One of the most important lessons I learned early on, is that as much as my husband loves me, he cannot read my mind. There are times I don’t even know what I want or need, let alone, expecting him to “just know.” That was not fair of me at all. After some interpersonal work, I realized that I need to tell him what works and what doesn’t work for me rather than expecting he will know or realize it just because he loves me.
My Dad was an airline pilot for the latter part of my childhood, which meant he would be gone 4-5 days at a time. When we were first married, my husband would be gone a lot in the evenings for various reasons. After a while, and I’m sure many days of me being mad at him and pouting, I told him that I didn’t like that he was gone so many evenings during the week. His reply was that my dad was gone a lot in the evenings and assumed I would be used to it and wouldn’t mind that he wasn’t around either. The reality was, I didn’t enjoy spending all that time alone after I got done with my day. We also lived in a very creepy, 100-year-old house that was fairly isolated from anyone else, and it didn’t feel very secure to me, so I didn’t love being there in the evenings alone. As we were “discussing” this one day, mostly likely for the hundredth time, he said, “Oh, if this isn’t working for you, then it’s not working.” Right! I’m not sure why it took so many times for him to come to this conclusion, but I was glad we finally made it! I’m sure I’ve had instances where he’s had to tell me something as many times as well, but this is my blog post, so we don’t need to bring up those examples.
When working with highly sensitive people, they often have a very difficult time expressing their wants and needs to anyone they are in a relationship with-spouses, partners, friends children, etc. And what’s even more difficult is that they sometimes don’t even know what they want or need. There are several reasons for this, but poor boundaries and overthinking are two of the biggest reasons highly sensitive people struggle in this area.
Here are a few tips for expressing your wants and needs sot that you can have the best relationship possible with others.
Identify your wants/needs
I encourage you not to be like I was early on in my relationship with my husband and assume those around you will know your wants and needs. If it’s not working for you, figure out what isn’t working and why. Many times, when I sit with highly sensitive people in session, they have no idea what they want or need, and it leaves them feeling frustrated and those who love them have no idea how to help them. If you’re not even sure what your wants and needs are, take the time to make a list. Make sure your list is as complete as possible, dream big, put no limits on this list. Make sure to take the time to figure out what needs to happen in your environment in order for you to function as the best version of yourself. Your list might include how often you need the house cleaned how much time you want to spend with your spouse or friends, how many vacations you need a year, etc. Remember if you have no idea what you want and need, those around you can’t or won’t know unless you tell them. Also keep in mind that this list will change over time. When we were first married, I didn’t like being alone in the evenings and now it’s warmly welcomed!
Cooperation over Compromise
I don’t sit down with young married people very often but when I do, one of the main things I hear is how they’re trying to figure out how to compromise to get their needs met. While compromise can be a good thing in a relationship, it can also leave one person feeling bitter and resentful if that person feels like they’re the one making most of the sacrifices in the relationship. Compromise also implies that both people must lose something in order to be able to move on. Cooperation on the other hand, has more of a team approach. It’s more about how we can both work together toward the same goal in order for things to work better for both of us.
Be open to receiving constructive criticism
One of the more difficult things in a relationship is when you are on the receiving end of hearing that something you’re doing isn’t working for the other person. I don’t like to have these conversations or be confronted with information that I’ve intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone by my words or actions. But it’s part of life. And I think these are opportunities to do better for those I love. It’s difficult but it’s worth it. Even when my husband and I must have difficult conversations, even multiple times, we always come back to the facts. And the facts are that we love each other enough to have the hard conversations as many times as we need to until we figure it out.
Be open to initiating hard conversations
It doesn’t happen very often, but I have sat with people in my office who are almost ready to leave their spouse because they aren’t getting their wants or needs met. When we explore this a little further, I find out that they haven’t taken the time to initiate hard conversations about the things that are not working in their relationship. In fairness, there are usually several reasons that they’re afraid to have these difficult conversations, usually because of their spouses’ overreactions or underreactions, but nonetheless, the conversations aren’t happening. Just like I don’t think it’s fair to assume someone will know your wants and needs because they love you, I don’t think it’s fair for you to be done with a relationship if you haven’t communicated your wants and needs clearly.
My caveat to all of these suggestions is that being in relationships with people is difficult. And if you’ve tried some of these things on your own, and they haven’t worked, it might be time to get outside help from a professional. Since a professional is not as emotionally invested in your relationship, they usually can give you a more objective opinion and point you in a direction that can bring about more effective change and healing. A professional can also help you clarify your boundaries, give you the language to communicate your wants and needs effectively, identify behaviors that you might need to change to have healthy relationships. There are also times that a professional might help you figure out if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. I’m biased, but I always think it’s better to get help sooner rather than later. Worst case scenario, you establish a relationship with a therapist or a coach who can provide a safety net for you as you navigate life. Because we all know that life gets hard and overwhelming at times.
I hope this helps you figure out how you can communicate your wants/needs effectively and appropriately in relationships. And if and when you get stuck, don’t be afraid to ask for help!
I love working with highly sensitive people. If you think you might need counseling or coaching, and especially If you’re highly sensitive, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling.