Several years ago, my husband came home with a brick oven pizza maker for the gas grill. If you’ve not seen one of these it was a game changer for our family. It basically makes brick oven pizzas without all the hassle. The night he got it, I came home from work and he had store bought pizza crust and sauce already to go. One reason I love to cook from scratch is that I think food tastes so much better. So, when he had these pizza crusts and sauce from the store I was like “no, next time we’re doing it right: homemade crusts and sauce!” From then on, that’s the only kind of pizza we like to make at home. My husband loves to entertain, and so do I. But my job is a bit more demanding than his job, so he usually has more energy for it than I do. Once he realized what a treat these pizzas were, he wanted to invite everyone over for pizza night. If you know anything about making things from scratch, you know that it’s time consuming. It’s better, true, but the trade-off is that it isn’t quick. For awhile, I went along with him inviting everyone over for homemade pizza night but after the 100th time, I was over it. It was too much work to make the crusts and cook them, we barely even had a chance to sit down and eat with our guests! So, I put my foot down. I had to break it to my husband that I was only going to make pizza for us and a few close friends from now on because it was so much work and no longer fun. I had to create a boundary.
I think because I’m highly sensitive, I have a tendency to let things like homemade pizza night go on way too long. I did this for good reasons, it’s nice to provide a really good home cooked meal for people, my husband loves to entertain and it’s nice to work together with my husband on something that turns out so well. But it also took a lot of time and energy to prep, prepare and clean up.
I think boundaries are somewhat overused at times by people, and sometimes even used as a way to defend their actions toward another that hurt or were not called for in a situation. For example, I was once talking to a friend about how I was feeling rejected because they hadn’t answered my text in several days, and the situation had a deadline. Their answer to me was that they were trying to have boundaries around answering texts, and not answering them in the evenings or weekends. This seemed like a defensive answer rather than a boundary because I feel like it could have been a fairly quick “yes, I can help you out or no, I can’t,” and it could have been answered the same day. I’m obviously in support of boundaries and teach my clients where and when to set them. At the same time, I think we have to be careful to not use them as an excuse for bad behavior. I also think it’s one of the biggest lessons I learned so far…it’s okay to have boundaries.
Here are some of the guidelines I use to set personal boundaries and how I teach others to do the same:
I had to figure out my own core values first
There were so many things I loved about my practicums (or internships) for graduate school and one of them was that I got to sit in on Intensive Outpatient Groups (IOPs). One of the things that was so helpful for me is that as the therapists were teaching things like feelings, emotions, mindfulness, self-care and core values, I was learning right along with the participants in the group. This was a really safe way for me to learn about myself and grow as a therapist at the same time. One of the things I learned early on in one of these groups is how core values shape our world view, our experiences and our interactions with others. For example, one of my core values is loyalty. Because I am so loyal, it has always been difficult for me to walk away from a friendship first, even when I know it’s no longer good for me. And, I used to have a tendency (before boundaries), to stick it out with people and situations longer than it was good for me. So long that I would be at my breaking point with them, and then not want to have anything to do with them. This isn’t a good way to have a boundary. It leaves a path of hurt and destruction. One of the first steps to creating healthy boundaries is to get really clear about your own personal core values. If you’re not sure where to start, you can do an Internet search on “core values.” You will probably find an overwhelming number of options, but I would encourage you to start by looking over the lists and choose about 10 that are true for you personally.
I had to discover my own wants and needs
When we don’t have a good sense of our personal core values, or even boundaries, we have a tendency to allow other people to tell us what is good for us. This is problematic for a number of reasons, the most obvious is that other people should not tell us what to think and feel. We all have our own experiences, and we have the freedom to feel different things about them and react differently to these experiences than those around us. This is especially true for my highly sensitive clients; they will often be overwhelmed quicker and easier than others in the same situations. Soon they start to compare their reactions to those around them and wonder why they’re struggling so much when everyone else seems to be able to move on quickly and easily. One of the first steps to figuring out your wants and needs is to give yourself permission to feel all the feelings in a situation and then start labeling them. When we are able to label feelings and experiences correctly, we have more freedom to figure out what to do in those situations, and similar ones that will inevitably follow. If you’re not sure where to start, take a recent experience where you had a strong reaction, act as though a friend is telling you about it, and journal your thoughts and feelings about it. After you do this a few times, you will be able to label these wants and needs quicker and easier.
I had to realize that boundaries protect me
This is a difficult one for many people to wrap their hearts around, especially when they are first learning to set boundaries. When people decide they need to set a boundary, often those around them will have some strong reactions to the boundary because the boundary is going to change the landscape of your relationship. When people have such a strong reaction to the boundary, at first it will feel like you’re being mean (they may even tell you that you’re being mean), and as long as you don’t undo the boundary, they will eventually come around. One of the first steps in figuring out where to set a boundary is that it should protect you. We all have a limited amount of time and energy and a boundary should protect these spaces. If you’re not sure where to start, take some time to evaluate what is refilling you and what is depleting you. When you get some clarity on the things that are draining you, figure out if some kind of adjustment can be made. For example, if you’re taking care of a family member, it probably isn’t feasible for you to stop taking care of them, but maybe you could ask for help, cut the expectations in half of what you’re currently doing, share the responsibility with someone else or text them instead of calling.
I hope this list gives you a starting point for identifying ways to have good boundaries. For me personally, I’ve set boundaries, not just around pizza night, but in other areas as well because I want to protect my time and energy for the people and things that are most important in my life. When I don’t, I’m left feeling strung out and frazzled because I’ve said yes to too many things.
If you need help figuring out how to have good boundaries in your life and you think counseling or life coaching could help, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling or life coaching. If you are looking for help with burn out, depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling.