My husband and I were a young married couple when we took a group of high schoolers on an all-day canoe trip. We had dated about 4 years before we got married and had never done anything that required team work quite like this before. Up until that point in our marriage we thought we had almost everything figured out: we hardly ever fought, we had good communication and were in agreement about almost everything. We were pretty sure we knew all the secrets to great communication and a lasting marriage. Then we went on this canoe trip.
It was a disaster. If you know me at all, you know I tend to be sarcastic. When I say it was a disaster, I’m not being sarcastic in the least. We literally fought all day. I was in the front of the canoe, he was in the back, and at one point, I think he might have hopped out of the canoe and pushed us just so we would stop fighting. As the only adults on the trip, we did our best to keep our voices low by talking through our teeth and trying not to raise our voices, just short of yelling at each other. It was a long day to say the least. And looking back, it is embarrassing to know that we couldn’t find a solution to communicate better. I think we both realized at the end of the day, that if we were to ever canoe again, we would likely have to have some marriage counseling first.
Fast forward about 24 years and today we’re celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. While I still don’t think we have everything figured out. I’d like to think we’ve learned a thing or two about communication and marriage since that canoe trip so long ago. While it’s difficult to sum up why I think our marriage has been so good over the last 25 years here are a few things that I think have helped:
We’re on the same page about big things such as beliefs, values, money, careers, parenting and small things about our daily schedules and how we spend our time.
We put each other’s needs above our own more times than not. We don’t have to do this all the time or every time, but we sure make sure the other one knows that they’re a priority.
We like to do things together, but we also like to do our own things. I like to work out in the morning and get up early, he likes to play poker during the week and stay up late.
We each have our own friends and couple friends. I think it’s important to have both.
We make time for each other. For 15 years or more, we’ve made sure we have a day off together during the week since we aren’t guaranteed to have that time on the weekend.
We let each other pursue our own goals. I know Chris was concerned about money when I wanted to go back to school for my master’s degree and we decided we were going to do it without taking out student loans. But he supported me every step of the way even when money was tight!
We have hard conversations as often as we need them. We’ve had some big things happen over this past year that seemed like we were at an impasse on a few of them. But we kept working at it and communicating with each other until we got to a place that worked for both of us.
We trust each other. One thing we think is so important in the age of social media is to have the passwords to each other’s social media accounts and devices.
We’re not critical of each other. We don’t believe we have the best ideas or the best ways to do something. This is so hard sometimes-especially when it comes to parenting. But we respect each other enough to allow the other one to do things with autonomy.
We respect each other’s boundaries. There are times that I don’t get why he has a preference of something being a certain way, but I do it anyway because I love him. And he does the same for me.
This month I’ve been talking about tips and tricks to help rewire the brain and help you quiet your inner mean voice. One of the reasons I wanted to focus on marriage (other than the fact that it’s my anniversary) is that the people we are in a relationship with can either contribute to the mean voices in our heads or help quiet them.
One of the things I really like helping people with when it comes to counseling, is making sure they are surrounding themselves with people who are helpful to their healing. Most of us have an inner voice that is critical and mean when we mess up. And when we have friends, partners, spouses, etc. who are also critical it just adds to the shame and guilt we already feel. But having someone who can acknowledge the mistake and tell you it’s going to be okay and it can be figured out can quiet that inner mean voice fast! Being less critical, giving yourself grace and having people in your corner who wants what’s best for you are just a few ways to quiet the inner mean voice.
I hope these tips and tricks for marriage and finding the right people will help you quiet your own inner mean voice. If you need more help finding the right people to be in your circle, please feel free to contact me at 317.496.0456 or email lisa@peacefamilycounseling.com. I’d be happy to hear what is happening and help you find the right fit for counseling. If you are looking for help with depression, anxiety, trauma or behavioral concerns, you can read more about how I can help at my website peacefamilycounseling.